deza: (Secret master librarians)
[personal profile] deza
We all know that one person.

The one who makes plans then cancels at the last minute.
The one who says "we need to get together" but never follows through.
The one who goes to the party, barely says two words and ghosts out an hour later.
The one who seems to be making only a halfhearted attempt at being a friend at all.

I am that friend.

It's not by choice. I would love to be the person with a whirlwind social life, effortlessly going from party to meal to burn to con. I wish I could be the person who is always there with a potluck or bottle of wine, the one who can talk to anyone and everyone without a problem.

There are two main things that keep me from being that person - my body and my mind.

My body, because I have what one neurologist termed a "cascading autoimmune disorder." This means at any time my body's immune system will target and attack healthy tissue. This causes all sorts of fun; my thyroid has shut down, my back is sealing joints shut with bone, my hands drop things at random times, I fall a lot. I feel tired, like healthy people feel at the tail end of the flu, all the time. The pain is so constant that now I mostly notice it when I get a brief respite from meds that I can't afford.

My mind due to severe anxiety disorder. It is all too easy, the few times I feel up to going out, for my brain to convince me to bail. They don't really want to see me; I'm a wet blanket; they only offered out of pity for the cripple; they'll have more fun if I'm not there. Little things, things that logically I know aren't true - but anxiety has nothing to do with logic.

So yeah, I'm THAT friend. When I say I want to spend time with you, I really do mean it. I want to get out and see my friends and have a life. I want to spend time with you. I appreciate the invitation so much, even if I can't make it out.

Getting my body and my mind to agree to what I want to do is getting harder and harder.

Entry for LJ Idol Season 10, Week 2.
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