deza: (Secret master librarians)
[personal profile] deza
I'm using this week's topic to work through some of my polyamory issues, so expect Terry Pratchett levels of footnotes and digressions (and if you haven't read the Discworld series, you really should. The man was one of the best selling UK authors of the 90s for a reason). Going into the disconnect between logic and feelings has a tendency to be a rather Gordian knot of issues.

Last February, I broke things off with Nate. I had done something that betrayed a basic level of trust in our relationship, snooping in his phone, and the consequences of that act were more than I could bear. Not from Nate; we established I was beyond wrong to betray his trust, I promised not to do it again, he changed his password (I know what it is, but it's more complicated than my arthritic fingers can handle) and that was that. I haven't even thought of doing it since. No additional comment needed.

The consequence I can't deal with is what I found. For a poly person, it's things that would be no big deal. For a monogamous person, it was heartbreaking.

One thing I found was a note to his other long-term girlfriend. I had made a FaceBook post sharing an article about easy hiking trails to waterfalls in Georgia, with a note to Nate saying I would like to visit them with him. He had sent the same link to her via Messenger, stating that even though I had posted it, he would rather do that trip with her. I haven't asked him to go hiking with me since. I don't want to be walking with him with the shadow of another woman holding his hand.

The other thing I found, and the reason I went snooping in the first place, was he was sexting another woman that I didn't know about.1 I lost it at that. To know that while I was laying in bed next to him, he was engaged in a sex act with someone else, was more than I could handle. We discussed why I felt that was a violation of the rules of our relationship and theoretically moved on. It's still a stumbling block for me.

When I am with Nate, I am with him 100%. If something is worrying or distracting me from being with him, I discuss it with him until I can move past it.2 The thought that he could physically be next to me and so focused on someone else makes me feel... extraneous. Unwanted. Unneeded. Just a distraction. So now, every time we're together and he starts paying more attention to his phone than he does to me, I wonder.

I know he doesn't see me that way. My logic centers do not doubt that at all. But my emotions latch on to those feelings of abandonment3 and run with them. I see my husband as an incredibly gifted man who has overcome some of the worst obstacles life can throw at a person. It is so hard for me to understand why he would want to be with someone as old, fat, dumpy, boring as me. No matter how often he reassures me that he doesn't see me that way, I still do. I see that I'm too old to give him another child after he was denied raising the one we have together.4 For the last three years we haven't used any form of birth control. The longest I carried a fetus was just over two months before miscarriage. I'm 46, a grandmother and very unlikely to naturally conceive again.5 I see that I have hangups and issues that hinder him from having full expression of his natural sexuality (hence why I'm whining here). I see all the things that he could accomplish if he wasn't having to placate my issues, and I don't understand why he chooses to stay with the mess that is ME.

Logically, I know there are parts of his heart reserved for other people. I know that he has close relationships with them that do not affect the relationship we have. Emotionally, I feel threatened by those other close relationships. The more threatened I feel, the more I act out in inappropriate ways -- and often I don't even realize that I'm doing so until he calls me on it.

I've been doing a lot of reading on Attachment Theory as it deals with adult relationships. I'm a pretty textbook Anxious Attachment Style. I've been working on exercises that are supposed to help me move to a more Secure Attachment Style. The books caution that can take years. I hope I can hang on to this relationship long enough to accomplish it. I just don't want to keep hurting Nate because I'm so broken.

This is my LJI Week 8 Entry. See, I promised lots of footnotes!

*****

1As someone who has been cheated on many, many times (my ex Andrew had 14 affairs in 8 years of marriage), being completely faithful is a hot button issue for me.

2There have been many comments made about my need to talk things to death and difficult tendency to return to an issue we've already discussed when I start re-worrying over it. My memory was permanently affected by the years of opiate use and I frequently forget conversations we've had about topics that pop up again later as "unresolved" in my mental file. This is understandably very frustrating for him.

3I was temporarily "abandoned" with a series of relatives as a child and I'm still working through those unresolved issues.

4Nate is the biological father of my daughter. Andrew told Nate that the baby was his, citing a paternity test done in utero (that never happened). Andrew also told me that Nate didn't want to have anything to do with the baby. I ended up married to Andrew.

5I know that he wants to raise a child, and I am terrified that if one of the other women he dates got pregnant, he would leave me to have a permanent role in the child's life. Honestly, if he did father a baby with someone else, I would encourage him to go be a dad rather than being my husband. I feel rather strongly about the importance of a paternal influence.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-08 02:28 am (UTC)
shadowwolf13: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shadowwolf13
<3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:38 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-08 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com

Sounds a lot like what so many adopted people go throu in relationships re attachment issues.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
I really had never considered that. Although if there is such torment in my life from having been passed around for a summer, I can't imagine how powerfully disruptive the whole process mus be for kids who know nothing else, thank you for giving me something to muse on.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-10 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelona.livejournal.com

Our marriage therapist recomended the book "Attached." (with heart shaped magnets on the cover) for Paul and I. It was ok. But I woyld highly recommend reading Expectation Hangover. Great book.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
I just finished reading Attached last week. :) I'll have to look for Expectation Hangover.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-10 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayaso.livejournal.com
So much pain and anxiety! This was a very raw discussion of your life. I hope things improve for you.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
Things are good in that he understands where my pain is coming from, and he appreciates the work I'm putting in to move past it. I send him the links to these posts before I make them public for Idol, so he's involved and reading behind the scenes.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-11 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marley-station.livejournal.com
You married people are a braver lot than me.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
I wouldn't say that. Being single was pretty damn scary too, especially when something started to go wrong and there was no one around to help me fix it!

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-12 03:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dee-aar2.livejournal.com
I think it is really brave of you to pour your heart out here. I hope it gives you some sense of relief and also some sort of clarity. Did you break up with Nate or is he still with you ... that part I am yet to figure out. But irrespective of either - I hope you find peace .... with him or without.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
Thank you. I could have been clearer instead of assumig peopole would remember my intro. :) Nate and I got back together after a month and a half, and we got married last June.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 08:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
All that sounds so frustrating and stressful. Big hugs to you, and props for such a personal entry.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
Thank you. Frustrating is a very good word for it.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
I feel so sad, reading this, because I know I would feel exactly the same as you do, in this situation. The difference is, I am not trying to cope with a polyamorous spouse, and I don't have anyone trying to persuade me that this is normal and acceptable. For a poly person, it would be--and clearly IS for him. But for you, it is not. No amount of logic about how you "should" feel is guaranteed to change the way you DO feel, and it seems the gap between those things is making you feel bad on top of a situation that is already heartbreaking for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, all of it.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-13 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
It helps to know my reactions and emotions aren't so different from those others would feel in a similar situation. As Nate often reminds me, my feelings ARE valid, no matter how inconvenient they may be.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-14 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marlawentmad.livejournal.com

You had me at Terry Pratchett.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-16 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murielle.livejournal.com
Oh, I can really feel your pain. ((Hugs))

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-16 01:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
I always find your reactions normal (maybe because, that's exactly how I would react.) I know it doesn't help, hopefully writing about it is helping you in someway. *Hugs*
Looking forward for things to improve and you finding a solution. Take care. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-16 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
I don't have much to say that would help here. Just hoping things will go ok for you.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-16 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] my-name-is-jenn.livejournal.com
While I can't relate to this, I feel like if I were in your position, I'd be reacting the same way you are.

<3

(no subject)

Date: 2017-02-17 12:37 am (UTC)
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 03:25 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios