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Dec. 30th, 2009 12:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dezaWould it surprise anyone to hear I often feel like such a fraud?
I keep getting comments telling me how brave I am for dealing with my conditions. Thing is, I'm not. I'm not facing this crap with grace and equanimity. I'm angry, scared, whiny, hateful, screaming, crying, hurting and trying not to go fetal more often than not. More than anything I want to go hide, curl up in my room where I won't be a burden on my family or an eyesore for the world at large. I want to crawl under the covers and never come out. I want to be held and told I still deserve love even though my body is falling apart. I want the magic drug cocktail that will make the pain go away.
I'm trying to accept that most of the things I want will never happen.
But I'm not brave.
I keep getting comments telling me how brave I am for dealing with my conditions. Thing is, I'm not. I'm not facing this crap with grace and equanimity. I'm angry, scared, whiny, hateful, screaming, crying, hurting and trying not to go fetal more often than not. More than anything I want to go hide, curl up in my room where I won't be a burden on my family or an eyesore for the world at large. I want to crawl under the covers and never come out. I want to be held and told I still deserve love even though my body is falling apart. I want the magic drug cocktail that will make the pain go away.
I'm trying to accept that most of the things I want will never happen.
But I'm not brave.
