deza | (no subject)

I am... not doing so very well.

The rug was pulled out from under my feet yesterday. I've told myself for years now that I'm ok, I've got it together, I can get through anything. Yesterday I found out that I'm mentally messed up enough to count as disabled on just that.

Well, that explains my writing, at least.

This has thrown me for a serious loop. I'm not ok. I'm not completely sane. I'm not even coping so well. Going through even a fraction of my past left me crying for hours afterward. Today, I'm emotionally spent. I've been crying off an on again, but for the most part I just feel dead inside. Andrew's tried to cheer me up, but his brand of morbid humor's been missing the mark on this. A for effort, though.

Gods, now I sound like the original Emo.

The psychologist asked if I'm suicidal. I said no, because suicide would keep my family from getting as much of a death benefit. I'm alive, but not for the right reasons.

This post brought to you be the letters W, A, and H.

Hopefully I'll be back to my normal self soon.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Little comfort, but, at least we can be mentally fucked up together. I mean, I have past rapes, assaults, parental abuse, and now, retrograde dissociative amnesia and major depression and borderline personality disorder (no wonder I want to screw everything that moves... but don't). And to think I filed for just Lupus and passing out...

Anyhow, all I'm saying is that it's really, really hard, but you aren't alone. You have a mentally messed-up friend who gets it, and gets how hard it can be. What I tried to do to myself two weeks ago... the urge is still there, and may always be, but I have to fight through it. If I can live with this physical pain, I have to find a way to beat this shit in my brain, too.

*hugs*

And what is normal, anyhow?

Hey you - happy "birth"day!

I miss sex. I used to think about it All. The. Time. It's one of the things that Andrew first liked about me, that I was overtly sexual and unapologetic about it. Now, I don't feel anything there. Whatever is messed up with my mental wiring, I just don't get signals from that area - no orgasm, no cue to go to the bathroom, nothing. It's one of the things that has been hardest to lose.

I don't know what normal is - I just know it ain't this.

*hugs*

Heh, thanks. A whole month old today. It's been a turbulent month, but... here's to a better second month! Amnesia, screw you!

I can imagine missing sex. I mean, I think about it constantly, it doesn't take much for me to (TMI) get off anymore - it's like my go-to fix. Not sure that's healthy, but, I'm not hurting anything. It's just that whenever I see hot guys, I act like an ass. I know it's part of the personality disorder, and need to get that in check with therapy. Anyhow, sure, I can imagine that's really hard on you, and hard on your marriage. I wish I had some solution for you, a way to rewire you so that you could partake in sex and enjoy yourself.

I wish I had a way to fix both of us, physically and mentally. Sometimes I wonder how this all happened - how people can be stricken so acutely by BOTH issues?

*hugs* There is no normal, at least not from what I've seen in 31 days. And I think I'm okay with that. I'm not some template. In fact, I kind of like being different (minus the illnesses, of course). I can't imagine myself as a 9-to-5'er, content to wear a suit and walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face. Is that life? It doesn't seem it to me. But that could be the 31 day-old person in me talking. However, that just doesn't seem happy, and shouldn't we strive for happy - especially if we're already in pain and deserve it?

*hugs*