LJ Idol : The Elephant in the room

[deza]

Yesterday, I had a thyroid biopsy. Seven passes of a small needle into my throat, suctioning out small amounts of tissue to be examined for cancer cells. It's not a way I'd recommend to spend vacation time.

One of my daughter's friends is pretty well freaked out about this. I've been asked a lot of questions about thyroid cancer, and associated mortality rates. J's ben working herself up pretty well over it, because it's the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. Yeah, I may have thyroid cancer, Part of me honestly hopes I do - as cancers go, it's easily contained, easily removed and I just have to take a higher dose of synthroid than I do already. Who knows, that may even get me feeling more human again.

What J doesn't realize is this is a minor thing for me. I have so many medical issues already that a small, easily-medicated problem is barely a blip on the radar any more. Yeah, I got a little nervoud about the procedure itself, but the results don't scare me all that much.

You see, I'm already dying. I have been for several years.

We don't really talk about it around the house much, but it's not a secret. For every bit of function I lose - the latest is I can't fasten necklace clasps - it's one step closer to that final breakdown. Six years ago, I was told that I would be very, very lucky to live to see my son graduate high school. He's in fourth grade this year, which means I'm somewhere in the the 5-10 year survival bracket.

Knowing there's a time limit is actually strangely freeing. I know I don't have all the time in the world to accomplish my dreams, so I'm working on actually doing them. My biggest one, publishing a book, is done. I'd like to write more, of course. Mesty and his brothers aren't done with me yet, and I've also got a foster mom with a werewolf pup on the run through the Appalaichans to deal with, a foul-mouthed angel tasked with guiding a group of humans through a zombie apocalypse (even though he thinks less than half of them are worth the effort), a vampire retainer trying to solve her boss's murder before she takes the fall for it... Ideas. I has them. And I'd like to tell those stories, even though typing is so difficult. I've thought of dictating it all for a friend to transcribe, since transcription software does NOT like my accent, but that's when my embarrassment and natural shyness kick in.

There are other things I want to do that are going to be more difficult. I want to see the west coast again, or travel overseas, but I'm not sure how well the TSA will react to my TENS unit or the large amount of pills I'd need to make a flight. I've been putting off even thinking of that.

Still, it's pretty much accepted in my house as common knowledge that I'm dying. Not this week, not this month, but something that is inevitable. We don't talk about it or make a big deal about it. It's just one of those things that suck that have to be dealt with - sort of like when you find the super-size nail in your tire that leaves a hole big enough that it just won't quite hold a patch. Fix-a-flat only keeps you going for so long. Eventually that tire will be done, and the other tires will have to go on with a new one.

It wasn't until J started freaking over the possibility of thyroid cancer that I realized the extent of my illnesses has never been mentioned to her. I've been sick the entire time she's known me. She sees me in bed or a wheelchair more than walking. But the end... there's just never been a reason to discuss it with her. I don't want to be whiny or mopey about it, so I tend not to mention it all that much.

The good part of having an elephant taking up space in your room is it tends to grow only as much as you feed it. I'll talk to J about how, for me, this is just one more medical test and even if it' the worst diagnosis it won't effect my life that much. A quick surgery, an increase in a medication I already take - it's not so bad. I've been a breast cancer survivor for going on 18 years, so thyroid cancer really doesn't scare me all that much. Fred the Cancer Elephant can shrink up and disapprear. We're crowded enough with the rest of the medical elephant herd around here.

Now, George the Neurology Elephant, and Reba the Ankylosing Spondylitis Elephant, and Douglas the Mental Stability Elephant, and MacArthur the Military Deployment Elephant, they might cause some problems. I'm still working on taming them.

This has been my entry for this week's LJ Idol. The topic was The Elephant in the Room. It was a bit of challenge to find just one elephant to discuss. I hope you enjoyed reading!

Comments

[basric.livejournal.com]

I wonder if you know how special you are. Did you work yourself through all the stages of grief to acceptance by yourself or did therapy help. I wish for you what I wish for any terminal patient I have cared for, Peace, surround yourself with those you love and bearable pain along with the ability to do daily activities of living for yourself as long a you can. May you have time to finish all your stories. And may you beat the odds and see a graduation.

I work at Vanderbilt Medical, they has the largest research grants in the world. They occasionally find a magic bullet for a disease. And I've seen miracles. Acceptance is good, but garnish it with hope.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

You have an amazingly positive attitude. What an inspiration for the many who stop living because they suddenly realize they are going to die someday. My husband was told "5 years at best" and that was over 20 years ago now. Keep telling your stories, please. Loved the very humorous ending!

[peachette48.livejournal.com]

If I could reach out and give you a hug, I surely would, sweetie.
Sometimes it is best if the kids don't know everything, but then, they resent being left in the dark. Mine refuse to believe my cancer will come back and get angry with me when I suggest it. You have it ten times worse than I do, but I do feel great empathy.
Sometimes you have to wonder, in the scheme of things, why all this happens. There is no logic behind it and sometimes you wonder why, why me? I do all the time.
These horrific things shouldn't happen to good people.
Know you are loved and respected and prayed for. If you don't believe in God, I still do. It never hurts to have others on your side. I know lots of people care for you.
Why wouldn't they?
Keep fighting.

[edith-jones.livejournal.com]

Lovely. Beautifully-written, and powerful, with a cheerful note when you name all of your elephants. You are very special indeed for being able to talk about this with calm and with objectivity.

I wish you weren't dying. You'll be missed very much.
Love from Allie.

[ari-griffin.livejournal.com]

I'd be honored to transcribe your stories.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Your attitude is the thing I admire. I get down when I have an unexpected car repair.

Be safe.

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

I am a wee bit jealous of the support your family gives to you. I am lucky to have wonderful friends who are there for me. My family, despite loosing other members to lupus, treat my illness as if it is all in my head.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Very sad story, but thanks for sharing it. And congratulations about the novel! What an accomplishment.

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last summer. It's a weird thing to explain to people - that really it's a fluffy bunny kind of cancer in comparison to most of the biggies. I hope your results are negative, because you don't need anything else on your already overly full plate. Keep on, lady.

[wyrdfishes.livejournal.com]

♥ from this reader.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

I can imagine that juggling a herd of elephants must be difficult.

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

♥

I'll never forget my parents telling me they were putting my dad on hospice. I suppose I had known it was coming on some level, but they had never explicitly acknowledged that my father wouldn't live just as long as my mother, and it hit me hard.

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. Chronic sickness sucks.

[paradoxymoron.livejournal.com]

I.....now have that teddy bear picnic song in my head, except it's about elephants.

I am prescribing you one (1) dose of blowing raspberries into a fuzzy poodle's belleh. Refill as required.


But for seriousness, you keep going, and you find workarounds for stuffs, and it's awesome.

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

Just so you know, I do admire you greatly.

[zehlyah.livejournal.com]

My best friend is going through radiation for thyroid cancer. I'm gonna have her read this. Thank you for sharing.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

You seem to have a great attitude about this whole situation. For what it's worth, both my cousin and one of my dear friends both have thyroid cancer and have had immense success controlling it through medication.

[team-jessie.livejournal.com]

My head is spinning. I can't quite fathom how much you are going through.
You tell it excellently, though!

[joeymichaels.livejournal.com]

Challenging to go through life with a herd of medical elephants on your back, if I can mix my metaphors (and I think I can). Its good to bring the elephants out into the light - they're less dangerous there.

This is the most I've referred to the actual topic in my comments during LJI ever.

Anyhow, strong entry and continued strength to you!

[fortitudehigh.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how, when one's health is bad, additional things can just seem like tiny blips on the radar. That said, you have an impressive attitude towards what you face.

[gaea-rising.livejournal.com]

Go you for taking something that would put a lot of folks that much closer to the endgame mentally and turning it into a way to make your dreams come true instead.

This was really well-written and I really enjoyed the touchy of whimsy in naming all the other Elephants. :)