LJI Week 3: In Another Castle

[deza]

My mother turned 40 a month and a half after I was born.

"So?" you say. "That's no big deal."

Except when it totally is.

When my mother was a teenager, WWII was going on. There are family stories about the POW camp near her town and the German soldiers that would walk in to her father's store to get odd treats and chat up the pretty girl. She was in college when she met my father. They had a grand total of three dates before they married in the 1950s -- Daddy was in the Navy, so most of their relationship was carried on by correspondence, both before and after the marriage.

Mom was every inch the military housewife. She ran things when Dad was deployed -- which was 19 of the first 27 years they were married. She had three sons, and one surprise baby girl just as the youngest son was gearing up to turn 13. She smiled and had bake sales and ran the PTA, was a member of both the Enlisted and (later) Officers Wives Clubs, supervised moves for herself and others. She's lived in Italy and Japan and on both coasts of the States. Behind the scenes, she always Got Things Done, whether it was a birthday party thrown together days after an international move or "arranging" for a cheating wife and family to be transferred to another base.

That was the woman who raised me. June Cleaver from a distance, Lucretia Borgia when she needed to be. She raised me to be a 1950s housewife just like her. I can sew, cook, clean and make it all look easy. I know how to handle a surprise "Honey I'm bringing the boss home for dinner" call with less than an hour's warning. I can golf and dance and mix cocktails and hold my own at any Country Club party. I can change a baby's diapers while making sure the toddler isn't peeing in the fireplace or covering the dog in mayonnaise.

Those skills are not exactly relevant in today's society.

You see, between when my mother became a housewife and I came along, this little thing called the 1960s happened. You may have heard of it. Suddenly women weren't expected to be Susy Homemaker any more. We were supposed to have jobs and careers and fulfilling lives outside of the family. Trophy wives were no longer The Thing To Be. The world changed, without my mother's permission.

She didn't see a need to change with it.

When I went to college, it was with firm instructions to "find a nice boy to settle down". I was told to hang out at the fraternities on campus because the "nice" boys would be there. Following that advice landed me in a world of trouble and hurt. So I turned my back on her vision of my future. I found a passion for knowledge, followed that through undergrad and grad school and into the working world. I refused to be the 1950s Trophy Wife my mother wanted me to be.

I'm not sure she's ever forgiven me for that.

There's still a little of the 1950s upbringing in me. Just a touch -- and that touch is enough to often make me feel like part of me is living in a different era. Sometimes I still fantasize about the life envisioned for me, about being the Trophy Princess in a castle on a hill.

Til fantasies come true, I'll be just fine in the castle I've built for myself.

This is my entry for LJ Idol Season 9, Week 3, In Another Castle. Thank you for reading.

Comments

[basric.livejournal.com]

Good for you. Excellent entry.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There are times I question the wisdom.

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

I don't think my mother has ever quite forgiven me for deciding to go after my PhD—as a result I could relate to this quite well.

[deza.livejournal.com]

HA! Nice to know I'm not the only one!

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

My grandparents wanted to raise me in the same way. Although they ended up not being able to teach me all those "skills", they did give plenty of advice and many of what you describe sounds familiar. If they knew what I do now ... they'd never forgive me for "disappointing" them. Now, I find that I take the lessons I value and ditch the rest.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Do what you have to do. There's a reason I never told mom when I went from modeling to stripping.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

There's something very empowering about taking control of your own life, telling soeone who has had it all planned out that their plans are not yours. I'm glad you were able to do that for yourself.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am too.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Nice "making it your own."

[deza.livejournal.com]

Danke schoen.

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

Parents don't always want what we want, that is for sure.

I am glad you are happy in your castle :-)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There are some days I wish for the "other", but those are thankfully far between.

[cchan8.livejournal.com]

I could relate to some of this. My mother was probably the same age as yours, and she was 39 when she gave birth to me. She was a career woman in the 1950s and early 1960s, but became a stay at home mother in 1966 when my brother was born, bucking the trend (I realized this in retrospect). By the time she rejoined the work force in the 80s she could not find any job other than secretarial because she had not completed her university degree. But she always was very defensive about her decision to be a housewife. Not that she was very good at it. She was a mediocre cook and made strange interior design choices. She loved to garden but she was not nearly as talented as my sister in law. Me, I am a career woman with 2 master's degrees, married with no children. Not sure what she expected I would become or if I met those expectations.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I think you are perfect as you are. Just my $.02.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

I cannot golf. My mom cannot golf. She never went to college - she took her CPA exam instead, and worked for the Iowa State Insurance examiner until she had kidlets. Nobody in any company ever invites the state auditor to play golf...

[deza.livejournal.com]

But a number of military glandhandings are worked out on the golf course, hence the reason I needed to know...

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Yes. But insurance examiners are pretty much corporate cops, not exactly the people invited to anything involving "gladhanding." And the cute guy was enlisted, so he never needed to learn golf...
So I never did learn to play. However, I am a whiz with a tax form!

[deza.livejournal.com]

I would gladly trade knowing how to spoil a nice walk for understanding taxes!

[violaconspiracy.livejournal.com]

There's certainly no shame in being a Susy Homemaker. It sounds like your mother was a very intelligent and skilled person. There's also no shame in NOT being a Susy Homemaker. I wonder when our world is really and truly going to accept that both choices have merit.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I came across as belittling the people who choose to stay home -- I didn't mean it that way! I think people who make that choice for themselves are doing exactly what they need to do; there are certainly times I'm envious of the mothers who come in to the library. I *do* object to being told that my sole purpose in life is to keep house and raise kids.

[violaconspiracy.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I didn't find it belittling at all! I totally agree with you that nobody should be expected to be something just because they're a girl (or guy) or because their mom (or dad) was. Everyone should be able to make the choice that makes them happy.

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to do what you wanted to do. :)

Sometimes parents expect something different that just doesn't interest us. I know it happened with my own.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hope you have fun in your castle too!

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

We can't make our kids who we want them to be, and we'll never be exactly who our parents wanted us to be. Forge your own path, sure....but it surely sounds like you appreciate her life and her hard work. <3

[deza.livejournal.com]

I learned a lot about parenting from my mom. My motto has been to do the opposite!

[i-will-not-say.livejournal.com]

Parents often want something different for their children than what those children want, don't they?

I'm glad you were able to take your own path. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Could relate to it in many ways...:)..a nice read!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

You have hit a very important fact with this: how parental advice, outdated, can be problematic. From her POV, certainly the "nice" boys would be in fraternities, because the frats she knew weren't "National Lampoon's Animal House!"

Most frats in the 60s were not like that Delta House, but after the film came out, it seemed to define the Greek system and a lot of frats wanted to emulate it! I think there are still "Toga Parties" going on at some campuses, and the people doing them might not even know why!

Nice history lesson!

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm sure my mom had no idea she was setting me up for the nightmare of being initiated as a little sister. She'd have been horrified by what was involved.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

I wonder how many parents and children 'click' and do not fill this gap between what the elder generation thought their children would find not even useful but necessary in their life and what they really do.

It was a nice read.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm just glad I have the perspective now to see it. Living through it all was pretty frustrating!

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

My father-in-law made every effort imaginable to keep my spouse from becoming a farmer's wife like most of the young women in that part of Nebraska. And now I cook and clean and fold laundry while she goes to work. It's strange how her biggest success to her family was turning her back on what came before.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Your spouse is very lucky that way. :)

[sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com]

Great entry.

[eska818.livejournal.com]

I hope you can always maintain your independence and make your own choices. Thanks for sharing your story!

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Nice homage to your mom : ). Parents always want the best for their kids, even if they're confused about what that is. Most of us have dealt with that...

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Unless being a housewife was what you truly wanted, following your mother's wishes would have resulted in you shackling yourself. No one should make that decision for you.

[witchwife.livejournal.com]

You did such a great job of displaying both your admiration and your revulsion for the way that your mother lived her life. While it's very clear that you respect and love her, the guilt and displeasure that you feel towards the idea of being a princess or a trophy wife is just as apparent. I really enjoyed the dualities that you expressed here. It all came across as rather effortless.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I still remember my mother's laughing protest when my teenage self told her I'd rather have a couple of extra business classes than a boyfriend. She told me I'd change my mind in a few years; I don't think she's ever forgiven me for proving her wrong, but I got the classes. :)

[witches.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

This entry actually reminds me of a friend of mine (who will be getting married next month a couple of weeks before her 27th birthday and keeps saying she's an OLD bride...) and her mother. They're always telling me I should find a husband and settle down; "Before you turn thirty because it's too late then!" I find it both amusing and really annoying. I wouldn't have found it amusing on any level if it had been my mother's view for sure.
Thankfully my mother's always had the opposite outlook. She was only twenty-seven when she had me and is a very artistic person herself, which is where I get it from. When I was five I announced when I grew up I wanted to be an author and move to the USA and I still haven't changed my mind. She's always supported me believed in me with regards to everything and that means such a lot.
I'm really glad you were able to follow your heart rather than do what your mother thought was right and be unhappy. Decisions made for the wrong reasons always lead to regret and resentment :/

[ljidolvillian.livejournal.com]

Looks like you have done a fine job as yourself, June Cleaver wouldn't have the self awareness to write this. (Or maybe she would).