I'm here

My stock answer, when someone asks how I'm doing, is "I'm here." I use it because it has so many different meanings, according to both my tone and what the asker wants to hear. It could be an excited ready to go, it could be an accepting this is life, it could be the alternative was worse. It answers the question without really saying anything. It also saves me the trouble of figuring out if the asker really wants to know or is just being polite.

It hurts to examine why I made the choice I did. It was a choice, though, and part of me still understands it. The repercussions of that choice are too horrible to put my family through. The old saying that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" isn't exactly applicable, as most of the problems I was trying to escape are far from temporary.

There are some I can work on, though. My feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, the belief that other would be better off if I weren't here, those can all be addressed in therapy. They will be confronted. It won't be easy, by a long shot, but it has to be done.

I almost wasn't here, this time. But i am. I'm here.