LJ Idol Sunrise

[deza]

It's hard to believe it's been eleven years already.

There were three of us in our circle of friends who were all pregnant at the same time. We traded pregnancy woes and talked about our hopes and fears for the future. We ended up giving birth within two weeks of each other. The first baby of the batch had her 11th birthday today.

Giving birth to your first child is inherently terrifying. No matter how many books you read or how often you hear stories, you really aren't prepared for the process. There is a world of difference between hearing the stories and being caught up in the pain, adrenaline and frantic pace of the event.

My husband had gone home to feed our dogs after the midwife said it would be a few more hours before the baby arrived. He was gone about half an hour when I was told it was time to deliver. For the next hour, nurses were asking if I was ready to push, and I kept saying no, not til my husband was there. It was such a relief when he ran into the room. Our daughter was born about 20 minutes later.

There was a price on my stubborness. She had inhaled meconium and amniotic fluid waiting for me to release her. I got to hold her briefly, then she was whisked away to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit where they could clear her lungs out.

Even though I was exhausted, I woke up several times that night, wracked with guilt over what I'd done to my baby girl. The orderlies came to get me early the next morning, to see her in the NICU.

There aren't any direct windows in that room. There's a row of clerestory windows at the ceiling, but the patients and their parents are sheltered from prying eyes passing by outside. The nurses pulled a curtain around us, leaving me alone with my daughter for the first time.

She was so tiny, so perfect. I was amazed at how long her eyelashes were, curling against her cheek. Shw had a shock of deep red hair and the most incredible purplr-blue eyes I've ever seen.

It was dark outside when I sat down with her in my arms. I was crying. When my tears started to fall on her, I tilted my head back and looked up at the windows while she sucked at my breast. Slowly the windows lightened from black to grey to blazing pink while I fed my baby girl.

She'll be 11 next week. I still cry when I remember the most beautiful sunrise I never saw.


This has been my entry for this week's LJ Idol. I have to say, putting together an entry when you don't have computer access is a challenge!

Comments

[shadowwolf13]

Now that is a beautiful moment. And I, who have refused to ever have kids, can understand how precious that moment is from your words here.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

Beautiful entry :)

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. My mom tells me I also inhaled meconium upon delivery and had to be put in the NICU.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

This is so beautiful, and really hits me right now. Because I'm on the MTX, I'm not even allowed to try to get pregnant - and I already have issues with getting pregnant anyhow :( Reading this made me think about how special those moments right after birth must be, and how special it is to raise your daughter and son. They are lucky to have you as a mother.

[jerel.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. :)

[sherriola.livejournal.com]

This was beautiful! I'm so glad someone got the link and posted it for you!

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I hadn't realized that babies could inhale amniotic fluid while waiting to be released! Had that risk been explained to you?

I'm glad that everything has worked out so well for the two of you. :)

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written... And happy birthday to your little one. :-)

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Very sweet entry. My desire for a baby is unfortunately all true strong...I am a bit envious of you (in a good way). :)