LJ Idol Sunrise

[deza]

It's hard to believe it's been eleven years already.

There were three of us in our circle of friends who were all pregnant at the same time. We traded pregnancy woes and talked about our hopes and fears for the future. We ended up giving birth within two weeks of each other. The first baby of the batch had her 11th birthday today.

Giving birth to your first child is inherently terrifying. No matter how many books you read or how often you hear stories, you really aren't prepared for the process. There is a world of difference between hearing the stories and being caught up in the pain, adrenaline and frantic pace of the event.

My husband had gone home to feed our dogs after the midwife said it would be a few more hours before the baby arrived. He was gone about half an hour when I was told it was time to deliver. For the next hour, nurses were asking if I was ready to push, and I kept saying no, not til my husband was there. It was such a relief when he ran into the room. Our daughter was born about 20 minutes later.

There was a price on my stubborness. She had inhaled meconium and amniotic fluid waiting for me to release her. I got to hold her briefly, then she was whisked away to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit where they could clear her lungs out.

Even though I was exhausted, I woke up several times that night, wracked with guilt over what I'd done to my baby girl. The orderlies came to get me early the next morning, to see her in the NICU.

There aren't any direct windows in that room. There's a row of clerestory windows at the ceiling, but the patients and their parents are sheltered from prying eyes passing by outside. The nurses pulled a curtain around us, leaving me alone with my daughter for the first time.

She was so tiny, so perfect. I was amazed at how long her eyelashes were, curling against her cheek. Shw had a shock of deep red hair and the most incredible purplr-blue eyes I've ever seen.

It was dark outside when I sat down with her in my arms. I was crying. When my tears started to fall on her, I tilted my head back and looked up at the windows while she sucked at my breast. Slowly the windows lightened from black to grey to blazing pink while I fed my baby girl.

She'll be 11 next week. I still cry when I remember the most beautiful sunrise I never saw.


This has been my entry for this week's LJ Idol. I have to say, putting together an entry when you don't have computer access is a challenge!

Comments

[shadowwolf13]

Now that is a beautiful moment. And I, who have refused to ever have kids, can understand how precious that moment is from your words here.

[amenquohi.livejournal.com]

Beautiful.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Funny how we had parallel ideas this time around, isn't it?

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Actually, I never thought I'd have kids either. Prior to my daughter's birth, I'd have said I couldn't stand the little carpet crawlers. Having my two completely changed my worldview.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

Beautiful entry :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. My mom tells me I also inhaled meconium upon delivery and had to be put in the NICU.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting the link!

From all I've read, inhaled meconium is actually pretty common, particularly with long labors. My water broke about 22 hours before Ro was born, so she had plenty of time to get into trouble. She's been trouble ever since. ;)

I hope your delivery is spectacularly routine and boring.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I hope it's routine and boring, too!

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

This is so beautiful, and really hits me right now. Because I'm on the MTX, I'm not even allowed to try to get pregnant - and I already have issues with getting pregnant anyhow :( Reading this made me think about how special those moments right after birth must be, and how special it is to raise your daughter and son. They are lucky to have you as a mother.

[deza.livejournal.com]

It is a beautiful thing, but it's by no means the only way to become a mom. I know how it hurts to give up the dream of carrying a biologic child (I wanted one more). There are thousands of kids out there who would love to have someone like you as a mom, once you get your medical issues under control.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) Once I get off the MTX, and wait two months, we're going to go see a reproductive endocrinologist and give it a year. If not, adoption will be our next step. It's a lot to think about, but I know there are options.

But seriously, thank you :) I know there are other ways to be a mother, and so many kids who need one.

[jerel.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[sherriola.livejournal.com]

This was beautiful! I'm so glad someone got the link and posted it for you!

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Hopefully I'll have figured out a way to post it by next week; if not, I may have to ask for help again!

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I hadn't realized that babies could inhale amniotic fluid while waiting to be released! Had that risk been explained to you?

I'm glad that everything has worked out so well for the two of you. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Actually, infants inhale amniotic fluid in the womb to help their lungs develop. :) the problem comes from meconium, a really tarry baby poop that develops in utero. Inhaling meconium happens fairly often--I don't have statistics, but it's something neonatal units regularly prep for.

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written... And happy birthday to your little one. :-)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Her birthday is Tuesday, and she's bouncing off the walls she's so excited. :)

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Very sweet entry. My desire for a baby is unfortunately all true strong...I am a bit envious of you (in a good way). :)