deza | Nattering about moving (Reply)

Andrew and I have been talking a lot about where to go once we're done here at Lejeune. It's all very speculative right now; we won't even know what his options are until sometime this fall.

One of the things we've been discussing is the kids and I living in one place, while he goes wherever with the Navy. Our thoughts on this are:

My medical care will be a lot easier if I'm not changing doctors every other year.
The kids will benefit by not changing schools every year. This past year, they went to THREE different schools! Next year will be only the second time they've gone a full school year in one school (knock on wood).
Many of the upcoming tour possibilities for Andrew would have him so busy he wouldn't have much time to spend with family even if we were in the same house (2nd tour DivO, multiple training schools, etc.).
Building up equity in a house is a good idea, and with house prices so low now is a good time to consider that investment.
Andrew has more flexibility in the postings he can consider if he doesn't have to bend over backwards accomodating my medical needs. He can concentrate on the best move for his career, instead of "Well, I need to be at one of these three bases because they've got good hospitals."

It's actually been a really rough set of discussions. Our relationship is rocky at the best of times; my insecurities have a tendency to take over. Now that I'm so physically helpless, it's even worse for me. I'm not comfortable being completely dependent on someone else under any circumstances. That has a strong tendency to manifest as OMGWTFBBQ reactions to seeing him associating with other women, especially when I perceive those women as being more attractive than I am. No matter how much weight I lose, the likelihood of my perceiving myself as attractive while I'm in a wheelchair is pretty slim. There's also the envy of being able to go out and do things, which is another hard thing to handle.

What we've decided we need for me to be able to live elsewhere has been (by comparison) easy to define:

An adult live-in caregiver. This person would need to ferry me to doctor appointments and grocery shopping, keep up with light housework/laundry, and make sure the kids make it to school and eat on the days I'm useless. In return, we'd provide a rent-free space, including utilities and basic groceries.
A house with either an apartment or a separate in-law suite for said caregiver.
A house that is either already or easily converted to wheelchair friendly. Two stories are ok as long as the master bedroom is on the main floor, and we can install either a lift or a ramp to get past any outside elevations.
Reasonable distance to specialists doctors that can handle my issues.
Near a military base, so we can keep using the commissary and exchange.
Reasonable cost of living (we're thinking a house somewhere in the <$250K range).
Close enough to an airport to make it easy for Andrew to come home.
Near cultural opportunities for the the kids (and me, 'cause I like going to museums and aquariums too).
Near a college, since students would really benefit from this kind of arrangement.
In a fantastic school district.
Space for a fenced yard.

It looks good on paper. I'm terrified of doing this - I've seen first-hand how badly a housemate arrangement can turn out. I'm also concerned about the trustworthiness of anyone coming in to this. I use drugs that have a street value, so I have to be aware of that possibility. Ideally, I'd like to have a housemate arranged before taking off on my own, since the whole not-driving thing is a big handicap in most places. The other thing to consider is where to go for this - there are a lot of communities that would work. I'd like to be reasonably close to either family or a large friendbase, just in case things do go south for a bit and I have to beg for rides.

So, anyone want to recommend places to live? We've got about 11 months to get this figured out.