Nattering about moving

[deza]

Andrew and I have been talking a lot about where to go once we're done here at Lejeune. It's all very speculative right now; we won't even know what his options are until sometime this fall.

One of the things we've been discussing is the kids and I living in one place, while he goes wherever with the Navy. Our thoughts on this are:

• My medical care will be a lot easier if I'm not changing doctors every other year.
• The kids will benefit by not changing schools every year. This past year, they went to THREE different schools! Next year will be only the second time they've gone a full school year in one school (knock on wood).
• Many of the upcoming tour possibilities for Andrew would have him so busy he wouldn't have much time to spend with family even if we were in the same house (2nd tour DivO, multiple training schools, etc.).
• Building up equity in a house is a good idea, and with house prices so low now is a good time to consider that investment.
• Andrew has more flexibility in the postings he can consider if he doesn't have to bend over backwards accomodating my medical needs. He can concentrate on the best move for his career, instead of "Well, I need to be at one of these three bases because they've got good hospitals."

It's actually been a really rough set of discussions. Our relationship is rocky at the best of times; my insecurities have a tendency to take over. Now that I'm so physically helpless, it's even worse for me. I'm not comfortable being completely dependent on someone else under any circumstances. That has a strong tendency to manifest as OMGWTFBBQ reactions to seeing him associating with other women, especially when I perceive those women as being more attractive than I am. No matter how much weight I lose, the likelihood of my perceiving myself as attractive while I'm in a wheelchair is pretty slim. There's also the envy of being able to go out and do things, which is another hard thing to handle.

What we've decided we need for me to be able to live elsewhere has been (by comparison) easy to define:

• An adult live-in caregiver. This person would need to ferry me to doctor appointments and grocery shopping, keep up with light housework/laundry, and make sure the kids make it to school and eat on the days I'm useless. In return, we'd provide a rent-free space, including utilities and basic groceries.
• A house with either an apartment or a separate in-law suite for said caregiver.
• A house that is either already or easily converted to wheelchair friendly. Two stories are ok as long as the master bedroom is on the main floor, and we can install either a lift or a ramp to get past any outside elevations.
• Reasonable distance to specialists doctors that can handle my issues.
• Near a military base, so we can keep using the commissary and exchange.
• Reasonable cost of living (we're thinking a house somewhere in the <$250K range).
• Close enough to an airport to make it easy for Andrew to come home.
• Near cultural opportunities for the the kids (and me, 'cause I like going to museums and aquariums too).
• Near a college, since students would really benefit from this kind of arrangement.
• In a fantastic school district.
• Space for a fenced yard.

It looks good on paper. I'm terrified of doing this - I've seen first-hand how badly a housemate arrangement can turn out. I'm also concerned about the trustworthiness of anyone coming in to this. I use drugs that have a street value, so I have to be aware of that possibility. Ideally, I'd like to have a housemate arranged before taking off on my own, since the whole not-driving thing is a big handicap in most places. The other thing to consider is where to go for this - there are a lot of communities that would work. I'd like to be reasonably close to either family or a large friendbase, just in case things do go south for a bit and I have to beg for rides.

So, anyone want to recommend places to live? We've got about 11 months to get this figured out.

Comments

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

No matter how much weight I lose, the likelihood of my perceiving myself as attractive while I'm in a wheelchair is pretty slim. There's also the envy of being able to go out and do things, which is another hard thing to handle.

I'm with you on this. I'm not in a wheelchair 24/7 yet, but it may be progressing that way, and despite the fact I'm now "looking thin," I still feel sick and unattractive. When people say I'm hot, I feel like saying, "you mean ME?" And then of course, there's the issue of not being able to drive or see people anyhow...

That all being said (because I'm awake and whiny right now), how about Annapolis, MD? You'd be close to an airport, the Naval Academy, and tons of great housing. Two of the world's best hospitals are here, and both are within reasonable distance of Annapolis (30 minutes). I know there are tons of respectable specialists in the area, as well as within the Baltimore area. The schools are pretty decent. Plus - you guys would only be 40-ish minutes from me. We may actually be able to say hi to each other in person sometime in this life :)

Just a suggestion. But it may meet your criteria...

[deza.livejournal.com]

There are two problems with the Annapolis area. 1 - out of our price range! 2 - I really don't know anyone there. I've got some OL friends like you, but there's no one I can think of offhand that I could ask for a ride if I was between caregivers.

That being said, I've looked in Annapolis because I know how much Andrew loves the area. I've also looked at houses in the DC area (home of my awesome brother Bert and 3 of his adult kids) and Baltimore. :) I sent Andrew a B'more house to consider last night that was a 5/2 with an additional 2/1 apartment already set up, in the Parksomethingorother area.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

It can be pricey in that area, I agree. And I didn't know if you knew anyone in that area or not. I was just thinking, I know the schools are good and you'd probably be able to find the caregiver you need, as we have a huge system of hospitals and doctors in this state. As for someone giving you rides, yeah - I guess you'd have to know someone, ask the caregiver, or make new friends for that (and I know the last one is hard when you can barely leave the house).

It is a beautiful area, however, and parts of Baltimore are great, too. It would be awesome to have you guys nearby.

[ladylyonesse.livejournal.com]

Baltimore does have incredibly cheap, amazing houses. The schools get middling reports, however our real estate agent in Baltimore (who is AMAZING and if you need one, please call Louis Perkins with Long and Foster, http://www.louisperkins.com/) has his kids in Baltimore Public Schools and said though they get a bad rap, his kids have done just fine.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

What about Bowie/Lanham? That's still low priced as far ast this area goes/ And yes, B'more is far cheaper. And has Hopkins.

Atlanta...

[onmyownterms.livejournal.com]

There is a Navy base here, and also Fort McPherson. You've got Emory here - with fantastic doctors. It's possible to find some great houses for < 250k as long as you don't mind the outskirts of town. Lots of cultural opportunities for the kids. GA State, UGA, GA Tech all nearby from a college perspetive. As for airports, well, you have the busiest in the world here.

Re: Atlanta...

[snpdiva.livejournal.com]

YES YES YES!! If you move down here it would be totally awesome. For all the reasons above, and also because you'd be close to me. I'd be thrilled to give your info to my friend who is a real-estate agent so she can start finding properties for you to consider.

Re: Atlanta...

[deza.livejournal.com]

My daughter is trying to convince me to move back to the North Hall school district. She thinks it would be cool to graduate from the same high school I did. :) The downside is that would put us REALLY close to my mother and her brand of crazy (she lives in one of the lake subdivisions on Mt Vernon).

Still a mite early for talking to agents, but I'll keep your friend in mind!

Re: Atlanta...

[snpdiva.livejournal.com]

Wow....what year did you graduate from North Hall? My family still lives in Gainesville, and I just moved from there to Duluth. I graduated from North Hall in 1995.

It's still a pretty damn good school. I now have students who go there and it has grown a lot with lots more options (both academic and extra-curricular) than there used to be.

Re: Atlanta...

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm old. I graduated back in '88, when the school held 7-12 grade. :) Do they still joke about using the retention pond behind the HS for swim team practices?

Re: Atlanta...

[deza.livejournal.com]

Atlanta is really high on my list, anywhere from north ATL to Gainesville to Athens. His parents are in Dunwoody, my mom (and dad's grave) are in Gainesville, and a large percentage of my friends and family are in that area. Mom's originally from Liberty County in South GA (her maiden name is Long, and yes, THAT family) wile Dad was from Athens. There are points where you can drive around east Clarke County that turn into a family history tour - that tree was in the front yard of my grandmother's childhood home; that house is where my father was born; that house is where my grandparents lived when I was a child. :)

Re: Atlanta...

[(Anonymous)]

also with Gainesville you didn't have a lot of good military doctor options if I recall. If you were say, in Decatur, near Emory and Emory Midtown (old Crawford Long made new) would that qualify for military benefits? IS there a commisary nearby?

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

Sanford, NC.

Driving distance to Fort Bragg/Pope.

Near Raleigh/Durham, which has tons of cultural opportunities and great doctors (can we say "Duke," anyone?) and about a zillion colleges/universities.

Cheap cost of living.

[deza.livejournal.com]

We lived in Fayettenam for 2 years. ;) Yesterday, my friend Emmie was suggesting Buie's Creek, so that area may work for us.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

buie's creek is practically where I work (lillington)

[deza.livejournal.com]

My friend lives between Lillington and Coates. We were out there for her birthday party yesterday. :)

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Navy must be very different from the Air Force...we never had "options" -- we just got orders.

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

navy has always had options. (my dad went in before my parents married, i spent most my life moving around) but they werent "options" like you would normally think of:

depending on your rate/rank, you get a list. you get to chose 3 places you would like to be stationed off that list, then you are at mercy of the service. so there is a bit of leeway.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Very different from the Air Force. We were never given any "choices" as to where we were going. They just said "go"...and we went.
Sometimes we were practically kicking and screaming...but we went as ordered.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there were a number of reasons I steered him towards the Navy.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

The cute guy went in during the Vietnam war, and the Air Force was a much better choice at that time. The odds seemed much higher of coming home intact, yanno?

[deza.livejournal.com]

Yep, Lady T has it right. In September they'll release a slate of options appropriate for an 02/03 (he levels up in the spring). He'll pick 3 that appeal to him for whatever reason. Some options have a lot of competition; others may only have 1 or 2 people indicate an interest (his current slot was one of those; for some reason the Navy boys don't like playing with the Marines so much). Commanding officers are notified of his interest, and if any of them want him they'll take him.

Of course, the job he signs up for may not be exactly as advertised (the tour on Leyte Gulf was supposed to be a DCA assistant; when he proved more competent than the DCA he got moved up into that position - unfortunately without an increase in rank or pay).

Since Andrew has a really good record with lots of recommendations from former commanding officers, he's a really good candidate for anything he wants to do, and is likely to be picked up by either his first or second choice. At that point, his only limitation in choosing assignments is where I can go. I don't like holding my husband back from assignments that he'd enjoy and will be good for his career.

[relevantpink.livejournal.com]

Hello dear! I will be giving you a proper response to you PM tonight or tomorrow, but I am curious - if you are considering Athens, is the Navy School the hospital you were thinking of? Because as far as I understand it, it is slated to close in the next year or so? I know nothing about other local hospitals that might be appropriate, so maybe you all ready knew this...

[deza.livejournal.com]

Oh no, I know the Navy School is going away (otherwise Andrew would look into getting posted there). However, that campus is being transformed into a medical school for UGA, which will open up access to a wide range of specialists. It's also a reasonable drive to my old specialists, most of whom were in the Lawrenceville area.

And take your time; I know it's a bizarre request. :)

[relevantpink.livejournal.com]

Okay, good! I knew you probably knew WAY more about it than I did, but I knew... nothing. Ha! and I will. I'm intrigued though, and will shoot back some questions and thoughts. I do think I will be in the area at that time, though. The only thing that would get my butt elsewhere would be some mystical full time (or absolutely appropriate in every other way) job appearing out of nowhere in Gilmer County (or reasonable commute from Ellijay GA). And while that's my ultimate goal in the long run, I don't think that opportunity is going to arise with my current credentials.

Jacksonville, FL?

[jerel.livejournal.com]

Jax is a very large city, so you've got your major hospitals, your cultural stuff, and an airport. (Although it is a smaller airport. But Daytona Beach has a larger one, and it's only an hour away.) Housing prices in FL are very reasonable right now. You've got the University of North FL and Jacksonville University there. Most of the elementary schools in the area are rated "A" (based on state test scores.)

Re: Jacksonville, FL?

[deza.livejournal.com]

I like Jax myself; Andrew seems dead set against it for some reason. If you know any mental ammo that could swing his opinion, please let me know!

[jennilee-rose.livejournal.com]

I wish Champaign-Urbana had a Navy base. This is a good area with good schools. There's an airport in Savoy just south of here. And excellent transit system, and UIUC or Parkland students would be good as live-in caregivers. We have lots of doctors here too what with having the area's only level 1 trauma center.

Plus you'd have me as a friend nearby to help out on occasion.

[deza.livejournal.com]

reannon suggested Edwardsville for it's proximity to UI, too. The one problem I have with the whole area is y'all get this funny white stuff in the winters, and at least two of my problems are aggravated by cold. I'd have to make sure any house had a space I could keep in perpetual summer!

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

i'll second jacksonville, fl. we lived there for 11 years and there was always plenty to do.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I like Jax. There was a recent notice in Navy Times that the base there has just opened the first completely wheelchair accessible playground, designed with crippled moms in mind. He doesn't like that area for some reason, though.

OTOH, his sister lives in Tallahassee, and I went to grad school there. I've still got some friends floating around that area, so it may be a possibility.

[shevabree.livejournal.com]

Here we go:

1. Atlanta area
2. Buy a duplex
3. Rent other half of duplex to us.
4. You get built in playmates for the kids
5. Built in commiserating buddy in the man
6. Built in chaffeur in me as I'm already doing this

How bout that? ~.^

[deza.livejournal.com]

That's actually workable. Would you be up to dealing with two chronically ill adults? It would be a huge burden on you.

Dunno about a traditional duplex, just because there aren't many duplexes in the high-end school zones. I'll see what I can find, though.

[shevabree.livejournal.com]

I'm good as long as we can work appointments around my school schedule and I occasionally get some 'leave me the fuck alone all you people' time ~.^

R wants to move further north anyways. The kids won't be pleased about moving schools. But the school system already did that to us when they redistricted.

Its an idea to keep in mind. I'm always full of ideas.

Atlanta

[(Anonymous)]

I am also voting for North Atl (near Athens) I miss all of you and I still need to meet Kyle. I am also housebound right now due to several medical problems..one being my back the other me having a stroke. I am not in a wheelchair as of yet..but I am using a walker..and I too am unable to drive. I have known both of you for a while and I fel as tho you two will see this through. I understand the difficulties in the relationship cat. Colin and I have been through alot. The VA clinic here in Athens is pretty good..they transport you to Augusta or Atl when needed. With the naval school closing here I am not sure how there deal with Active members..I do see alot of Actives at the clinic when I go.

Re: Atlanta

[deza.livejournal.com]

Awww Ang, I had no idea things had gotten so bad for you! *hugs*