(no subject)

[deza]

I am... not doing so very well.

The rug was pulled out from under my feet yesterday. I've told myself for years now that I'm ok, I've got it together, I can get through anything. Yesterday I found out that I'm mentally messed up enough to count as disabled on just that.

Well, that explains my writing, at least.

This has thrown me for a serious loop. I'm not ok. I'm not completely sane. I'm not even coping so well. Going through even a fraction of my past left me crying for hours afterward. Today, I'm emotionally spent. I've been crying off an on again, but for the most part I just feel dead inside. Andrew's tried to cheer me up, but his brand of morbid humor's been missing the mark on this. A for effort, though.

Gods, now I sound like the original Emo.

The psychologist asked if I'm suicidal. I said no, because suicide would keep my family from getting as much of a death benefit. I'm alive, but not for the right reasons.

This post brought to you be the letters W, A, and H.

Hopefully I'll be back to my normal self soon.

Comments

[puzzleoflight.livejournal.com]

Hon, you've been through a lot, and frankly, you're coping exceptionally well for a "normal" person. The best you can do is continue to fight the good fight because the alternative is unreasonable. It's okay to have times when everything feels wrong; it means you're still a thinking, feeling person.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm just trying to get through the rough time.