LJ Idol: Afterthought

[deza]

There are a number of reasons excuses why I did it. They don't matter. What does matter is that on a warm day in October I took a handful of sleeping pills and hoped I wouldn't wake up.

The doctors say if I hadn't spent the last year building up my tolerance to sleeping pills, I probably wouldn't have survived.

I spent five days in the hospital "crisis unit." There were only two of us there for suicides; the rest were junkies in varying degrees of sobering up. The days were rather surreal. From the daily medication adjustment meeting with the psychiatrist I'd go sit in a room surrounded by conversations on forging prescription pain pill scripts, get-rich-quick car detailing schemes, rants about the unfairness of society and discussions on how our childhoods fucked us all up.

It was a very forceful introduction to a world I really hadn't seen before. I'd bruhed against it, usually adversarially - someone had to face off against the dealers using the library fiction section as a drop spot, after all. But here, I was just one more crazy with noe power and no voice, listening to people recounting the ways they'd made miserable lives worse. i will never look at any addict the same way again. It's far too clear to me now how easy it would be for me to cross that line and join the group.

There are no words to express how sorry I am for the pain and worry I caused my family and friends. I remind myself regularly that level of pain alone is reason enough not to make the same choice again. I have no right to hurt the people who love me so deeply.

Honestly? I'm glad it didn't work. I'm glad I have that tolerance, even though I still curse the insomnia. The lesson to take away from it is that I CAN survive this, no matter how bad it gets.

This has been my entry for this week's LJ Idol. The topic was Afterthought. This is one of the hardest entries I've ever written. The whole event is still very recent, very raw, and I'm processing through it all.

Comments

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tightly* I'm glad you're still here, and I'm glad Tassie is helping you hold together. In fact, you've inspired me to talk to TheEngineer about a small dog for companionship. Thank you for inspiring me to think of it, and ask.

I've been there, done that, and May 25th will be 20 years. I hope you go through the rest of your time wondering at the miracle that is your children, and how well Tassie has helped you hold your family together.0

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[paradoxymoron.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[basric.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're still with us. And you realize those left behind are the ones left to suffer. Of course there are those I've cared for that it was their intention, not to stop their pain but to make their family's sorry.

Insomnia is a tough problem, people don't realize how much it can affect your life. During REM sleep your brain rests and your body and brain heals. I hope you find a way to conquer your battle with it.

[streamfern.livejournal.com]

*big hug* You have been going through a hell of a time that you felt that was the only option left. I am glad you have pulled through to the other side and hope the sailing there is clearer; this from another one.

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

There are no words.

*HUG*

[jerel.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say except I love you.

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm glad you took the right things away from the experience, and that you're still here.

[marley-station.livejournal.com]

*hugs you close*

[chomiji]

>hugs<

[faireraven.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

I have a saying that life can be utterly crappy at times, but it sure as heck beats the alternative. I try to remind myself of that when I'm feeling really sorry for myself...

I'm glad you are still here and recognize this now.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Sounds like your experience was life-changing to say the least. Glad you lived to write about it.

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you managed to come out on the other side of that experience--and with so much more wisdom and understanding, to boot.

[xreesex.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing.

[drjeff.livejournal.com]

As someone who works with suicidal people on a regular basis, I've learned to just never judge. At the time, it feels like the only way out, or a huge relief... and depression gets in the way of rational thinking.

I'm glad you're still here, and I'm glad that you're sharing your story with others. Thanks for writing this.

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. I have pretty bad insomnia, too - I'm glad the tolerance worked in your favor.

[edith-jones.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that it was an unsuccessful attempt. *hugs you*

I've been there as recently as September. Luckily it didn't work for me, either.
-Allie.

[robertlyon.livejournal.com]

Damn. Sorry to hear, glad that you pulled through!

[awriterswindow.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are still here to tell your story. Thank you for your courage in sharing this with us.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this difficult experience.

[team-jessie.livejournal.com]

This is amazingly brave of you! I hope things turn a corner for you soon. It sounds to me like you're working towards that already.

[amenquohi.livejournal.com]

Add another voice that's glad you're here. You have always been stronger than you give yourself credit for. Unfortunately, having to always be strong can really suck sometimes. I'm glad you realize how very deeply you are loved.

Great entry.

[nyxocity.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're still here.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're a survivor!

[locknkey.livejournal.com]

It's all too easy to find yourself brushing up against the dark things. ::hugs::

[spiritchaser1.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're still here.

[snarkerdoodle.livejournal.com]

It takes strength to share something like this so publicly.

I know we don't know each other at all, but... ::hugs::