LJ Idol Week 3: Smile
Nov. 3rd, 2009 05:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deza"You have the prettiest smile."
"Every time I see you you're always happy."
"You have such a positive outlook all the time."
I hear it a lot. For some reason people are surprised that someone gimping along with a stick or rolling in a chair will greet them with a smile and kind words. Sure, there are days when I feel like curling up in bed and crying--most of them, in fact. It just doesn't do anyone any good to see me in that state.
If I let people see how I really feel, I get bombarded with questions. I know it's all meant well, I really do, and I appreciate the concern. The sad truth is there's nothing anyone can do for this. I have a degenerative disease with no cure and treatment that puts me through living hell on a regular basis. It is what it is. There's no point in bringing the people around me down by wallowing in my own misery. I certainly can't afford to waste the few spoons I have in explaining the same thing over and over again (link opens a .pdf on Spoon Theory, for those who've never heard of it). Yes, I've tried holistic healing options. No, I can't do yoga or go jogging to make myself feel better. I'm sure the gin-laced raisins made Aunt Mildred feel worlds better, but I can't have alcohol with my medications. Thanks anyway.
So often I'm faking that smile. I still have the "beauty queen smile" from my modeling days that can be pasted on at will and gives no hint of what I'm really feeling underneath. I pull it out and use it often. It's the one that gets me the most compliments on how happy I look. Isn't that ironic? Sometimes, when I know I'm going to need to hide the pain for a long time, I'll fall back on the old pageant secret of putting Vaseline on my teeth to keep my mouth from drying out. Once your teeth go dry, your smile looks like a pained rictus no matter what. It's always best to be prepared.
Every once in a while, though, something will happen that turns my smile genuine. That's when I drop the fake mask and truly open up and laugh. Not many people see that, mostly just my husband and my kids, sometimes my closest friends. It's a rare thing, and sadly getting rarer. I treasure those moments.
In my life, it's either laugh or cry, and crying takes too much energy. Time to go turn the smile up a few more notches.
This has been my entry for Week 3 of LJ Idol. The topic is "Smile." There are some fantastic writers participating this season; I hope you take the opportunity to check some of them out!
"Every time I see you you're always happy."
"You have such a positive outlook all the time."
I hear it a lot. For some reason people are surprised that someone gimping along with a stick or rolling in a chair will greet them with a smile and kind words. Sure, there are days when I feel like curling up in bed and crying--most of them, in fact. It just doesn't do anyone any good to see me in that state.
If I let people see how I really feel, I get bombarded with questions. I know it's all meant well, I really do, and I appreciate the concern. The sad truth is there's nothing anyone can do for this. I have a degenerative disease with no cure and treatment that puts me through living hell on a regular basis. It is what it is. There's no point in bringing the people around me down by wallowing in my own misery. I certainly can't afford to waste the few spoons I have in explaining the same thing over and over again (link opens a .pdf on Spoon Theory, for those who've never heard of it). Yes, I've tried holistic healing options. No, I can't do yoga or go jogging to make myself feel better. I'm sure the gin-laced raisins made Aunt Mildred feel worlds better, but I can't have alcohol with my medications. Thanks anyway.
So often I'm faking that smile. I still have the "beauty queen smile" from my modeling days that can be pasted on at will and gives no hint of what I'm really feeling underneath. I pull it out and use it often. It's the one that gets me the most compliments on how happy I look. Isn't that ironic? Sometimes, when I know I'm going to need to hide the pain for a long time, I'll fall back on the old pageant secret of putting Vaseline on my teeth to keep my mouth from drying out. Once your teeth go dry, your smile looks like a pained rictus no matter what. It's always best to be prepared.
Every once in a while, though, something will happen that turns my smile genuine. That's when I drop the fake mask and truly open up and laugh. Not many people see that, mostly just my husband and my kids, sometimes my closest friends. It's a rare thing, and sadly getting rarer. I treasure those moments.
In my life, it's either laugh or cry, and crying takes too much energy. Time to go turn the smile up a few more notches.
This has been my entry for Week 3 of LJ Idol. The topic is "Smile." There are some fantastic writers participating this season; I hope you take the opportunity to check some of them out!
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Date: 2009-11-08 05:16 pm (UTC)