LJ Idol Week 3: Smile

[deza]

"You have the prettiest smile."
"Every time I see you you're always happy."
"You have such a positive outlook all the time."

I hear it a lot. For some reason people are surprised that someone gimping along with a stick or rolling in a chair will greet them with a smile and kind words. Sure, there are days when I feel like curling up in bed and crying--most of them, in fact. It just doesn't do anyone any good to see me in that state.

If I let people see how I really feel, I get bombarded with questions. I know it's all meant well, I really do, and I appreciate the concern. The sad truth is there's nothing anyone can do for this. I have a degenerative disease with no cure and treatment that puts me through living hell on a regular basis. It is what it is. There's no point in bringing the people around me down by wallowing in my own misery. I certainly can't afford to waste the few spoons I have in explaining the same thing over and over again (link opens a .pdf on Spoon Theory, for those who've never heard of it). Yes, I've tried holistic healing options. No, I can't do yoga or go jogging to make myself feel better. I'm sure the gin-laced raisins made Aunt Mildred feel worlds better, but I can't have alcohol with my medications. Thanks anyway.

So often I'm faking that smile. I still have the "beauty queen smile" from my modeling days that can be pasted on at will and gives no hint of what I'm really feeling underneath. I pull it out and use it often. It's the one that gets me the most compliments on how happy I look. Isn't that ironic? Sometimes, when I know I'm going to need to hide the pain for a long time, I'll fall back on the old pageant secret of putting Vaseline on my teeth to keep my mouth from drying out. Once your teeth go dry, your smile looks like a pained rictus no matter what. It's always best to be prepared.

Every once in a while, though, something will happen that turns my smile genuine. That's when I drop the fake mask and truly open up and laugh. Not many people see that, mostly just my husband and my kids, sometimes my closest friends. It's a rare thing, and sadly getting rarer. I treasure those moments.

In my life, it's either laugh or cry, and crying takes too much energy. Time to go turn the smile up a few more notches.

This has been my entry for Week 3 of LJ Idol. The topic is "Smile." There are some fantastic writers participating this season; I hope you take the opportunity to check some of them out!

Comments

[stormkitty.livejournal.com]

I hear ya on this. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised just how many of us seem to be hanging around here.

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

darlin, i'm sorry LJ fucked up and took you off my f-list.

GREAT writing!!!

[deza.livejournal.com]

It happens. I had faith in you. :)

[playmoby.livejournal.com]

this was a wonderful read.. thanks so much for sharing this with us... :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

I've been hiding behind a smile for years. It still strikes me as funny how people just see what they want to see.

[deza.livejournal.com]

In this and in many other things. *hugs*

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

I always hide behind a smile. As someone who is sick and in pain, it's just easier than having to explain my life.

I, too, know all the tricks - the vasoline, the make-up in the right spots. I'm always grateful for the real things that make me smile - as you said, your husband, and some very close friends.

It's too hard to be vulnerable.

Thanks for sharing this.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I wish there were some way we, as a culture of people dealing with chronic pain, could come up with a solidarity movement for this. It would have to be easier if there were some socially acceptable way to choose to wear a shirt that says "I hurt and I don't want to talk about it" for dealing with the folks who just don't get it.

[lordrexfear.livejournal.com]

If anyone deserves to have real smiles. Fake smiles not hurting you is an amazing thing.

I wish I knew how to do that.

I am glad you get to have the real ones still.

[deza.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned from going through this is to cherish the real sources of joy.

[rejeneration.livejournal.com]

-hug- Here, I've brought you a few extra spoons. -soft smile-

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Wouldn't it be lovely if they were transferable.

Just remember, never be afraid to keep track of your own spoon count. It's not selfishness; it's survival. *hugs*

[denelian.livejournal.com]

this.


what i really hate are the people who "but you don't *look* like you're in pain!"

of course i don't LOOK like it - i've had years of practice in holding, at worst, a "neutral facial expression" - because the same assholes who tell me i don't "look like i'm in pain" are the same assholes who will *demand* i smile [a pretty girl like you should smile!" "well, i hurt a lot" "so? you should still smile" ::rage::]

society demands that we put "a brave face" on a disability - and then says you aren't *really* disabled because you don't *appear* to be suffering... sigh

[jerel.livejournal.com]

of course i don't LOOK like it - i've had years of practice in holding, at worst, a "neutral facial expression"

Yes. This. Hiding takes energy, but it takes about as much energy as explaining (which people don't listen to anyway), and it takes a lot less energy than the overpowering rage that comes from hearing people saying that there's nothing really wrong with me, that I just need to calm down, cheer up, take it easy, etc.

[tamaraland.livejournal.com]

Great read!

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[lyneidas.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. I hadn't seen the spoon theory before, but it makes sense.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Really? I've been referring to it for so long, I just assumed that everyone around me knew it by now. Goes to show what I know...

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

The thing is - you're beautiful even behind the fake smile <3

[deza.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you!

[brand0new0day.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Smiling is always the best option. Fake it 'til you make it, that's what my mom used to say whenever we had to do something we didn't want to. Great entry!

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) I've been faking it for years--hopefully I'll make it one of these days!

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing your story.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading!

[shadowwolf13]

I completely understand! *hugs you*

[deza.livejournal.com]

I kind of wish there weren't so many people who understood this. It's like whenever a new person shows up on the chronic pain boards--glad you found us, wish you didn't need to. *hugs*

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I never knew about the vasoline thing. hmmm. You're right though. If you tell a person how you really feel they often times, with good intentions, tell you about the "miracle cure". And that's the last thing you wanna hear. I've heard all the cures for blindness in the book. (gag)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Vasoline is an old beauty-queen trick. It's how we survived riding in all those long parades with the grin firmly in place.

I read this thing that said if you rub ox dung that's been gathered under a full moon on the bottom of your feet, you'll get your sight back. Have you tried that yet? *big evil grin--you know I'm joking*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_mysticalelf/]

Wonderful reading.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[jerel.livejournal.com]

I have heard people say "I have too few spoons left" or "I'm out of spoons," and I kind of got it from context. But thank you for linking to the full explanation.

Good luck this week!

[deza.livejournal.com]

I know after a while you kind of expect people to understand it, since so many chronic folk have found that reference. It never hurts to provide the refresher, though. :)

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you can still find things to make you smile.

I remember your entries from last season, and I'm glad to see you back again. Somehow, I've not seen your past two entries. (Sigh)

[deza.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the joys in my life a lot more now than I did before.

You haven't missed much--I took a bye last week, when my life exploded. Again. Somehow I always manage to move during Idol!

[sherriola.livejournal.com]

I like this. It's so genuine. I can't pretend I understand your life, but having some major disabilities, I too know how to smile to convince the world it's ok and i'm ok. Great take on this topic.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I do wish there weren't quite so many folks out there with the background to understand where I'm coming from with this.

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

I fake smiles sometimes too...it's just easier that way. I hope you find loads more "real" ones in the future though! :)

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Very inspirational. Thanks for sharing your story. The Spoon story you linked was very effective too.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

gin-laced raisins? Yes, please!
Seriously though, great entry! I appreciate the honesty. Also, thanks for the link to the Spoon Theory. I'd seen it before but it is always a good reminder.

[dreamchaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing, and thank you for the link to the Spoon Theory.

[battle-kitten.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky enough to be relatively (physically) healthy, so I can only imagine how hard some days must be for you. I have to say though, this section:
There's no point in bringing the people around me down by wallowing in my own misery.

really rang true for me. When I go through bad spells with depression, that's exactly how I feel, just keep smiling because there's no point talking about how I feel because it wont help/change anything.

I went and read the spoons page too, and was really glad that I did.