Momming

[deza]

So, my 11-year-old daughter is on her first "date." She's going to a local buffet place with the walking corpseboyfriend and his family, as well as two other friends from school. I've met the boy's father, and other than naming his son after the King of Evil from Legend of Zelda he seems like a nice guy. He's an officer at the air station where we almost ended up living.

No, the boy does not have a chin curtain. He's 12 for cripes' sake!

I didn't go on my first date until I was 17, so this seems like starting a bit early to me. Still, nice family, in a group, with a 9pm curfew - she'll be fine.

I've actually put a lot of thought into Ro dating. A lot of the problems I had in college came from not knowing how to date. I didn't date at all in high school, when most people are learning the "rules" of going out, so when I got to college I believed anything anyone told me. That didn't always end well. When I tried to ask Mom about things... well, you can imagine how badly that went. Having a parent tell you that you deserved to be raped for walking alone in a parking lot isn't pleasant, believe me. There are reasons I've spent a good chunk of my adult life in therapy.

There's a better-than-average chance I won't be here when Ro's going through her college dating. Since I can't be sure I'll be here to advise her then, I'm doing everything I can to make sure she has a good grounding in Life 101. Maybe it's rushing things a bit to let her "go out" now; I see it as giving her a chance to se what it's like while I'm up to debriefing her afterwards. If she has a solid gounding in how these social interactions work now, then she's far less likely to end up with the problems I faced later on. The girl is already bustier I was in college; there's no way she's going to make it through high school without running into a few sleazebags. Hopefully she's going to figure out early on how to tell the good guys from the jerks. Maybe we can save a little wear and tear on her heart by teaching her about good choices now.

I don't know if this makes me a good mom, a bad mom, an indifferent mom or what. The one thing I do know is that being kept in ignorance as a girl leads to problems as an adult, and the best I can do is make sure I don't repeat the mistakes my mother made. Hopefully I'm not making worse mistakes in the process.

Comments

[snpdiva.livejournal.com]

I think you are DEFINITELY making the right choice here. My parents had absolutely zero idea what went on in my head (and with my boyfriends) during my early teen years. I think that getting her started while you are around to talk with her and give her support is a great idea. Teach her about making good choices for herself---real choices, not just preaching abstinance.

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

The choices you are making here, in fact, prove you to be the best of mothers.


D.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

nice family, in a group, with a 9pm curfew - she'll be fine.

This seems like the perfect way to test the waters and learn to deal with boys.

[chomiji]

The only question I have is, why is it a "date"? It sounds like she's going out with a friend and his family - he just happens to be male.

[puzzleoflight.livejournal.com]

I had my first "date" at 10 with my "boyfriend" and my mother at a movie theater. That sounds pretty similar with what Ro is doing, so I don't think you have any cause to worry.

I went on my first date with just a boy and myself when I was thirteen. I figure that's a pretty good age to begin learning about relationships. My parents were always pretty relaxed with me, though I did have a curfew (10:00 PM) until I was 16. Then it was midnight.

So really, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I know you're probably kind of freaked that she's suddenly old enough to be interested in boys, but it had to happen at some point. :)

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

i think you're doing MUCH better than my parents did. i didnt date (not for wont of asking) till i was 17, and my curfew was 10 pm, and not one moment past. oh yeah and i married the abusive bastard, so he was my only real date in my teens. *shrugs*

my idea of raising children is that children should be encouraged to develop responsibility as early as they can handle it, and ask as many questions as they can encouraged to be, so that they learn how to be responsible adults. it would seem, to me, that you're following the same model. two thumbs up!

[arkhamrefugee.livejournal.com]

If you feel you are not going to be there for Ro in the future, have you considered writing her a book with all the things she should know? Kind of a "I knew my time was limited; here are the things you were too young to get when I left" thing?

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

I think you're handling things in a pretty responsible manner. My mother never talked to me about dating, which since I was taller than the boys I went to high school with wasn't an issue. They barely spoke to me, let alone asked me out. In college we tended to do group things rather than couple dating, so I still didn't learn anything. My first (and only) boyfriend lived several hours away. We were on the forefront of "long distance dating", didn't know that much about each other when we got married. My mother's sage advice on the subject of marriage was "you'll have to have sex, but you won't enjoy it".

[relevantpink.livejournal.com]

I think you are handling it well, fwiw.

[jerel.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a lot of us got thrown in the deep end and had to either sink or swim. Now, you can't do the swimming for Ro, but you are throwing her a life preserver. Strong foundation now = fewer problems later. Oh, I'm sure it won't be perfectly smooth and everything. We are dealing with human emotions (and hormones), but maybe if she finds herself in a situation that's difficult or potentially bad, she will have the inner strength to soldier through.

[paradoxymoron.livejournal.com]

You've already had "the talk" with her, right?

No, not Birds & Bees, the one where you say blueballs won't kill a boy no matter how much he begs (or he can take care of that himself) and if he insists that she touch him there, she should do so, rapidly, with her fist? :D

Does she have another quasi-adult person she can talk to about things she might not talk to you about?

[reliantfc3.livejournal.com]

I think you're doing just fine. I wasn't 'allowed' to date until I was sixteen, so I just met up with my boyfriend anyway, starting at about twelve. We never did anything, but I totally was running around behind my parents back. Your method is much much better.