LJ Idol : The Elephant in the room

[deza]

Yesterday, I had a thyroid biopsy. Seven passes of a small needle into my throat, suctioning out small amounts of tissue to be examined for cancer cells. It's not a way I'd recommend to spend vacation time.

One of my daughter's friends is pretty well freaked out about this. I've been asked a lot of questions about thyroid cancer, and associated mortality rates. J's ben working herself up pretty well over it, because it's the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. Yeah, I may have thyroid cancer, Part of me honestly hopes I do - as cancers go, it's easily contained, easily removed and I just have to take a higher dose of synthroid than I do already. Who knows, that may even get me feeling more human again.

What J doesn't realize is this is a minor thing for me. I have so many medical issues already that a small, easily-medicated problem is barely a blip on the radar any more. Yeah, I got a little nervoud about the procedure itself, but the results don't scare me all that much.

You see, I'm already dying. I have been for several years.

We don't really talk about it around the house much, but it's not a secret. For every bit of function I lose - the latest is I can't fasten necklace clasps - it's one step closer to that final breakdown. Six years ago, I was told that I would be very, very lucky to live to see my son graduate high school. He's in fourth grade this year, which means I'm somewhere in the the 5-10 year survival bracket.

Knowing there's a time limit is actually strangely freeing. I know I don't have all the time in the world to accomplish my dreams, so I'm working on actually doing them. My biggest one, publishing a book, is done. I'd like to write more, of course. Mesty and his brothers aren't done with me yet, and I've also got a foster mom with a werewolf pup on the run through the Appalaichans to deal with, a foul-mouthed angel tasked with guiding a group of humans through a zombie apocalypse (even though he thinks less than half of them are worth the effort), a vampire retainer trying to solve her boss's murder before she takes the fall for it... Ideas. I has them. And I'd like to tell those stories, even though typing is so difficult. I've thought of dictating it all for a friend to transcribe, since transcription software does NOT like my accent, but that's when my embarrassment and natural shyness kick in.

There are other things I want to do that are going to be more difficult. I want to see the west coast again, or travel overseas, but I'm not sure how well the TSA will react to my TENS unit or the large amount of pills I'd need to make a flight. I've been putting off even thinking of that.

Still, it's pretty much accepted in my house as common knowledge that I'm dying. Not this week, not this month, but something that is inevitable. We don't talk about it or make a big deal about it. It's just one of those things that suck that have to be dealt with - sort of like when you find the super-size nail in your tire that leaves a hole big enough that it just won't quite hold a patch. Fix-a-flat only keeps you going for so long. Eventually that tire will be done, and the other tires will have to go on with a new one.

It wasn't until J started freaking over the possibility of thyroid cancer that I realized the extent of my illnesses has never been mentioned to her. I've been sick the entire time she's known me. She sees me in bed or a wheelchair more than walking. But the end... there's just never been a reason to discuss it with her. I don't want to be whiny or mopey about it, so I tend not to mention it all that much.

The good part of having an elephant taking up space in your room is it tends to grow only as much as you feed it. I'll talk to J about how, for me, this is just one more medical test and even if it' the worst diagnosis it won't effect my life that much. A quick surgery, an increase in a medication I already take - it's not so bad. I've been a breast cancer survivor for going on 18 years, so thyroid cancer really doesn't scare me all that much. Fred the Cancer Elephant can shrink up and disapprear. We're crowded enough with the rest of the medical elephant herd around here.

Now, George the Neurology Elephant, and Reba the Ankylosing Spondylitis Elephant, and Douglas the Mental Stability Elephant, and MacArthur the Military Deployment Elephant, they might cause some problems. I'm still working on taming them.

This has been my entry for this week's LJ Idol. The topic was The Elephant in the Room. It was a bit of challenge to find just one elephant to discuss. I hope you enjoyed reading!

Comments

[basric.livejournal.com]

I wonder if you know how special you are. Did you work yourself through all the stages of grief to acceptance by yourself or did therapy help. I wish for you what I wish for any terminal patient I have cared for, Peace, surround yourself with those you love and bearable pain along with the ability to do daily activities of living for yourself as long a you can. May you have time to finish all your stories. And may you beat the odds and see a graduation.

I work at Vanderbilt Medical, they has the largest research grants in the world. They occasionally find a magic bullet for a disease. And I've seen miracles. Acceptance is good, but garnish it with hope.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I wouldn't say I've worked through it all - I still have my moments of raging at the general unfairness of life, and I still have times of denial, and there are times when I hurt so much I just want to get it over with already.

I've already had one medical miracle. The odds of living to see my 40th birthday after having breast cancer at 20 are pretty astronomical, and I'll be turning 40 on the next solstice. I've been blessed with two wonderful kids. That's miracle enough, right there. But I do understand what you're saying. My mother was given 6 months to live when I was 4 years old, and she's still around.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

You have an amazingly positive attitude. What an inspiration for the many who stop living because they suddenly realize they are going to die someday. My husband was told "5 years at best" and that was over 20 years ago now. Keep telling your stories, please. Loved the very humorous ending!

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There are times when this is all so difficult. If your husband has any advice, please feel free to share!

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

His philosophy has been pretty much enjoying each day.
Living life one day at a time. Quality first. Positive
attitude. He chooses what is best for himself and has an excellent relationship with his primary care doc.

[peachette48.livejournal.com]

If I could reach out and give you a hug, I surely would, sweetie.
Sometimes it is best if the kids don't know everything, but then, they resent being left in the dark. Mine refuse to believe my cancer will come back and get angry with me when I suggest it. You have it ten times worse than I do, but I do feel great empathy.
Sometimes you have to wonder, in the scheme of things, why all this happens. There is no logic behind it and sometimes you wonder why, why me? I do all the time.
These horrific things shouldn't happen to good people.
Know you are loved and respected and prayed for. If you don't believe in God, I still do. It never hurts to have others on your side. I know lots of people care for you.
Why wouldn't they?
Keep fighting.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I never get angry at good thoughts and prayers, no matter what deity is involved. The thought truly does count. *hugs*

I've found that people get angry when they are afraid. Your kids' anger may very well be an expression of their fear of losing you, or even seeing you so ill again. That doesn't excuse their lack of support, of course, but maybe it gives you another avenue for discussing it with them?

I once asked "why me" and I was answered on it. I've learned not to ask that any more.

[peachette48.livejournal.com]

My "kids" are 23 and 24. They are still in school and think they know everything. I am 62. I had them late. It has always been a fear of mine not to see them grown up and on their own, I guess.
Sigh
Sometimes, no, all the time, I wish things had been easier for me. But then, perhaps I wouldn't have had the good things happen that have happened. Nobody has it all good all the time, no matter what I may think.
Just for once, though, I'd like to try it....

[edith-jones.livejournal.com]

Lovely. Beautifully-written, and powerful, with a cheerful note when you name all of your elephants. You are very special indeed for being able to talk about this with calm and with objectivity.

I wish you weren't dying. You'll be missed very much.
Love from Allie.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Allie. *hugs* Hopefully I won't be missed for a few years yet. ;)

[ari-griffin.livejournal.com]

I'd be honored to transcribe your stories.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon. We still have to figure out a way around the shyness. There are some things I write that I just can't bring myself to say out loud.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Your attitude is the thing I admire. I get down when I have an unexpected car repair.

Be safe.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Getting thrown off schedule is enough to upset anyone's day.

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

I am a wee bit jealous of the support your family gives to you. I am lucky to have wonderful friends who are there for me. My family, despite loosing other members to lupus, treat my illness as if it is all in my head.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There are times when I forget about the blessings I do have, and I need the reminder!

I know it's not all in your head, lovey, and I understand the pain. *hugs*

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Very sad story, but thanks for sharing it. And congratulations about the novel! What an accomplishment.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Getting that thing written and published felt a lot like giving birth to a third child.

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last summer. It's a weird thing to explain to people - that really it's a fluffy bunny kind of cancer in comparison to most of the biggies. I hope your results are negative, because you don't need anything else on your already overly full plate. Keep on, lady.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with it, hon. Any cancer is a source of stress and pain. I hope your cancer has been successfully treated and you have many years of joy without having to worry about it!

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

Well it certainly wasn't my favorite thing ever. I had a thyroidectomy and RAI treatment, and my recent one year scans were all clean.

I think we should both have much joy!

[wyrdfishes.livejournal.com]

♥ from this reader.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

I can imagine that juggling a herd of elephants must be difficult.

[deza.livejournal.com]

My wrists get very tired. ;)

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

♥

I'll never forget my parents telling me they were putting my dad on hospice. I suppose I had known it was coming on some level, but they had never explicitly acknowledged that my father wouldn't live just as long as my mother, and it hit me hard.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine how hard it must have been on you. My firm belief is that long-term illnesses are harder on the family and support network than on the patient. *hugs*

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. Chronic sickness sucks.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it does. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[paradoxymoron.livejournal.com]

I.....now have that teddy bear picnic song in my head, except it's about elephants.

I am prescribing you one (1) dose of blowing raspberries into a fuzzy poodle's belleh. Refill as required.


But for seriousness, you keep going, and you find workarounds for stuffs, and it's awesome.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Raspberries on the poodle belly accomplished!

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

Just so you know, I do admire you greatly.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I don't see what I do as admirable - I'm just going from day to day - but I appreciate the thought.

[zehlyah.livejournal.com]

My best friend is going through radiation for thyroid cancer. I'm gonna have her read this. Thank you for sharing.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I hope your friend's treatment is successful! You may want to have her toalk to Beeker upthread.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

You seem to have a great attitude about this whole situation. For what it's worth, both my cousin and one of my dear friends both have thyroid cancer and have had immense success controlling it through medication.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad your loved ones are dealing well with controlling their conditions.

[team-jessie.livejournal.com]

My head is spinning. I can't quite fathom how much you are going through.
You tell it excellently, though!

[joeymichaels.livejournal.com]

Challenging to go through life with a herd of medical elephants on your back, if I can mix my metaphors (and I think I can). Its good to bring the elephants out into the light - they're less dangerous there.

This is the most I've referred to the actual topic in my comments during LJI ever.

Anyhow, strong entry and continued strength to you!

[fortitudehigh.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how, when one's health is bad, additional things can just seem like tiny blips on the radar. That said, you have an impressive attitude towards what you face.

[gaea-rising.livejournal.com]

Go you for taking something that would put a lot of folks that much closer to the endgame mentally and turning it into a way to make your dreams come true instead.

This was really well-written and I really enjoyed the touchy of whimsy in naming all the other Elephants. :)