LJI Week 10: If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time

[deza]

I'm sure that everyone has heard about the Isla Vista/UCSB shooting by now. If by some chance you haven't, a disaffected 22-year-old guy decided that since no woman had ever thrown herself at him demanding sex (seriously; he stated he didn't approach anyone himself) then it was up to him to "punish" all the pretty blue-eyed blonde girls that weren't sleeping with him. He killed 6 people and wounded thirteen before turning the gun on himself.

Cheery, ain't it?

One of the things that has come about after this is #YesAllWomen. During the initial outrage reaction on social media sites, many men felt they were being unfairly targeted as dangerous to women, and began using #NotAllMen. #YesAllWomen puts into words the unspoken realities that American women face on a daily basis.

1 in 5 American women are raped (or survive an attempted rape). This adds up to 22 million women.

A sexual assault occurs every 90 seconds.

1 in 3 murdered women were killed by a sexual partner.

15 out of 16 rapists go free. Only 6% of rapists actually serve jail time.

Less than half of all domestic violence crimes are reported to police.

Those numbers are frightening -- and they only show reported crimes. Most women are socialized to accept that there is a very large chance that we will be beaten, raped, or murdered. We're told how to dress to avoid being raped, how to carry our keys to fight off an attacker, to travel in packs because it's safer, to send out texts to friends before and after dates so if we disappear someone knows the name of our killer.

Guys, this is why your girlfriend can't go to the bathroom by herself in a crowded bar. There's no guarantee she'd make it back.

My contribution to #YesAllWomen on Twitter was "Because the cops told me not to waste their time filing a rape report."

What I could have added:
Because my son hears rape jokes every day.
Because my daughter has gotten leers and catcalls since she was 11.
Twenty-eight fraternity brothers took turns sexually assaulting me as Little Sister "initiation."
My job as a Little Sister was to be the Welcome Mat.
I was fired from more than one job because I wouldn't screw my boss.
I still have PTSD flashbacks, 20 years later.
I'm afraid to lose weight because I was raped more often when I was "pretty".
My ex-BF found a place to dispose of my body.
My ex-husband bought a .22 and told me it was the gun he would use to kill me.
Because rapists look like everybody else.

The sad thing is, this is nothing new. Women have dealt with these same fears and threats for as long as we've been human. And there's nothing we, as women, can do to change it. Until the men decide it's time to stop making rape socially acceptable in their peer groups, this will keep right on happening.

So, whatcha gonna do?

This has been my entry for Week 10 of LJI. The topic was “If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time”. Thank you for reading.

Comments

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

:shudder:

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

As hard as this has to have been to live through, it's exactly the kind of thing people need to hear. That fraternity experience alone would be a perpetual nightmare, and it sounds as if it has been. I'm so sorry.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

I'm one of the "lucky ones" - so far. That's why I perpetuate this message so much. Because I shouldn't be called "lucky" I was never actually raped.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

The statistics are mind-numbing, and the list of "additions" is just appalling. It is sad that I talk with my son about treating girls with respect while worrying about my daughter because of the boys who don't.

[reckless-blues.livejournal.com]

Mm. I understand all this. There's been a lot of rape in my life. It's a harrowing read. It bothers me very much, while reading it, that (straight, cis, non-survivor) men don't have the slightest idea that this is how women and girls behave. I couldn't get that out of the back of my mind.

[nynomi.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this.

re: "I'm afraid to lose weight because I was raped more often when I was "pretty"."

When I thought I had made myself skinny enough that no man - including my husband - would find me sexy, I was catcalled on the street as I was doing my compulsive-exercise walking, and told that I had a "nice ass." I think I yelled something like "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say to this. It's very well written and thank you for sharing.

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Well written indeed..and we all need to do something..:/

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I had to explain to my guy - who is a kind, caring, gentle man - the saying about "men are scared women will laugh at them, women are scared men will kill them." It took him awhile to process. How awful that our world makes that so hard to make clear.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

That you for being brave enough to put this out there.

This is the one item that I don't think is quite true: send out texts to friends before and after dates so if we disappear someone knows the name of our killer - it assumes that the woman's date is the person who killed her, which may or may not be true.

But otherwise, I think this is a very strong piece, and I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it. *hugs*

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Damn. Powerful piece...

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

Heartbreakingly true! I'm sorry for the pain you suffered, but I applaud you for speaking out. I, too, am a sexual assault survivor, and it's something people don't want to hear about. They'd much rather look the other way. Society is bent on blaming the victim, and, as long as it stays like that, people won't have to listen.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

It's frightening and frustrating, and I'm dealing with male friends on my Facebook feed who seem to find the whole thing funny. Which...I can't even. :(

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

I read some idiot tweet unironically, "Why don't we just leave our doors unlocked and just tell the thieves not to break in?"

The mind-numbing stupidity of this nearly broke me. This is what we're up against.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Your writing is always powerful.