LJI Week 10: If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time

[deza]

I'm sure that everyone has heard about the Isla Vista/UCSB shooting by now. If by some chance you haven't, a disaffected 22-year-old guy decided that since no woman had ever thrown herself at him demanding sex (seriously; he stated he didn't approach anyone himself) then it was up to him to "punish" all the pretty blue-eyed blonde girls that weren't sleeping with him. He killed 6 people and wounded thirteen before turning the gun on himself.

Cheery, ain't it?

One of the things that has come about after this is #YesAllWomen. During the initial outrage reaction on social media sites, many men felt they were being unfairly targeted as dangerous to women, and began using #NotAllMen. #YesAllWomen puts into words the unspoken realities that American women face on a daily basis.

1 in 5 American women are raped (or survive an attempted rape). This adds up to 22 million women.

A sexual assault occurs every 90 seconds.

1 in 3 murdered women were killed by a sexual partner.

15 out of 16 rapists go free. Only 6% of rapists actually serve jail time.

Less than half of all domestic violence crimes are reported to police.

Those numbers are frightening -- and they only show reported crimes. Most women are socialized to accept that there is a very large chance that we will be beaten, raped, or murdered. We're told how to dress to avoid being raped, how to carry our keys to fight off an attacker, to travel in packs because it's safer, to send out texts to friends before and after dates so if we disappear someone knows the name of our killer.

Guys, this is why your girlfriend can't go to the bathroom by herself in a crowded bar. There's no guarantee she'd make it back.

My contribution to #YesAllWomen on Twitter was "Because the cops told me not to waste their time filing a rape report."

What I could have added:
Because my son hears rape jokes every day.
Because my daughter has gotten leers and catcalls since she was 11.
Twenty-eight fraternity brothers took turns sexually assaulting me as Little Sister "initiation."
My job as a Little Sister was to be the Welcome Mat.
I was fired from more than one job because I wouldn't screw my boss.
I still have PTSD flashbacks, 20 years later.
I'm afraid to lose weight because I was raped more often when I was "pretty".
My ex-BF found a place to dispose of my body.
My ex-husband bought a .22 and told me it was the gun he would use to kill me.
Because rapists look like everybody else.

The sad thing is, this is nothing new. Women have dealt with these same fears and threats for as long as we've been human. And there's nothing we, as women, can do to change it. Until the men decide it's time to stop making rape socially acceptable in their peer groups, this will keep right on happening.

So, whatcha gonna do?

This has been my entry for Week 10 of LJI. The topic was “If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time”. Thank you for reading.

Comments

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

:shudder:

[deza.livejournal.com]

I know, right?

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

As hard as this has to have been to live through, it's exactly the kind of thing people need to hear. That fraternity experience alone would be a perpetual nightmare, and it sounds as if it has been. I'm so sorry.

[deza.livejournal.com]

One of my biggest fears is people looking at what I've lived through and saying "that's CAN'T all happen to one person."

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

I'm one of the "lucky ones" - so far. That's why I perpetuate this message so much. Because I shouldn't be called "lucky" I was never actually raped.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I hope you stay lucky.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

The statistics are mind-numbing, and the list of "additions" is just appalling. It is sad that I talk with my son about treating girls with respect while worrying about my daughter because of the boys who don't.

[deza.livejournal.com]

My daughter is expecting a little boy any day now. She says she wishes she was having a girl to play dress-up with; I tell her to be glad she only has to worry about ONE penis in the world instead of ALL OF THEM.

[reckless-blues.livejournal.com]

Mm. I understand all this. There's been a lot of rape in my life. It's a harrowing read. It bothers me very much, while reading it, that (straight, cis, non-survivor) men don't have the slightest idea that this is how women and girls behave. I couldn't get that out of the back of my mind.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Kind of makes me wish we could all swap genders at times.

[nynomi.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this.

re: "I'm afraid to lose weight because I was raped more often when I was "pretty"."

When I thought I had made myself skinny enough that no man - including my husband - would find me sexy, I was catcalled on the street as I was doing my compulsive-exercise walking, and told that I had a "nice ass." I think I yelled something like "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

[deza.livejournal.com]

For every body type, there's a guy who finds it sexy. For every guy who finds it sexy, there's an asshat making comments.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say to this. It's very well written and thank you for sharing.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Well written indeed..and we all need to do something..:/

[deza.livejournal.com]

The first step is recognizing the problem.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I had to explain to my guy - who is a kind, caring, gentle man - the saying about "men are scared women will laugh at them, women are scared men will kill them." It took him awhile to process. How awful that our world makes that so hard to make clear.

[deza.livejournal.com]

It's rather like trying to explain the color red to those born blind.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

That you for being brave enough to put this out there.

This is the one item that I don't think is quite true: send out texts to friends before and after dates so if we disappear someone knows the name of our killer - it assumes that the woman's date is the person who killed her, which may or may not be true.

But otherwise, I think this is a very strong piece, and I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it. *hugs*

[deza.livejournal.com]

I always do. Just in case.

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Damn. Powerful piece...

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

Very powerful. It's hard to believe that your ex-boyfriend and ex-husband would've said/did such things. While I'm sure there's more, that's enough reason for the "ex" part!

[deza.livejournal.com]

The ex-BF gave me two hairline fractures in my neck when I asked him to turn off a video game so I could sleep before my early class the next morning. By that point, I was afraid to leave, because I had no doubt he WOULD kill me. By the time I got out of that relationship, he'd found a place to stash my body where it wouldn't be found.

The ex-husband didn't want to be married to a "broken" wife (I have Cascading Autoimmune Disorder; there is no cure) and he didn't want to be known as "that guy that left the crippled woman", so he made plans to remove me from the marriage other ways. He even asked a mutual friend to arrange for me to have a fatal accident, offering the friend 1/4 of my life insurance money. Fortunately my friends are more honorable than my ex. His strategy did work,, though -- I left him. Sadly I also left my health insurance. :/ Guess which one I miss more.

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

I hadn't heard of "Cascading Autoimmune Disorder." I wonder if one of my friends has that. She has a ton of other problems where her body attacks her.

I'm sure you miss health insurance more. I've not had any since I turned 19 and couldn't be under my parents. Now, I don't make enough to even afford the "affordable" health care and am not covered under any SSI or Medicare.

[deza.livejournal.com]

It's a catchall. I've had over 30 separate conditions diagnosed; it all tracks back to my immune system is haywire. We suspect that's because I went through chemo in my early 20s. There aren't that many studies out there on the long-term (20+ years) effects of Tomoxifen on the body. So far the most obvious problems have been Hashimoto's Thyroidosis, Ankylosing Spiondylitis and Psoriatic Arthritis. The treatments for those have led to other fun things like Avascular Necrosis.

I just keep reminding myself it could all be worse.

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

Wow. Reminding yourself that it could all be worse is definitely a good way to look at it.

I know my friend has Lupus and Reynaud's. I don't know what else. Sadly, she also smokes despite how bad it is for her conditions.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

Heartbreakingly true! I'm sorry for the pain you suffered, but I applaud you for speaking out. I, too, am a sexual assault survivor, and it's something people don't want to hear about. They'd much rather look the other way. Society is bent on blaming the victim, and, as long as it stays like that, people won't have to listen.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've experienced it. too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

It's frightening and frustrating, and I'm dealing with male friends on my Facebook feed who seem to find the whole thing funny. Which...I can't even. :(

[deza.livejournal.com]

I tend to make it personal with male friends who just don't get it. When it stops being "women" and starts being mother or sister they begin to open their eyes sometimes.

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

I read some idiot tweet unironically, "Why don't we just leave our doors unlocked and just tell the thieves not to break in?"

The mind-numbing stupidity of this nearly broke me. This is what we're up against.

[deza.livejournal.com]

All we can do is educate them. Maybe make them wear yoga pants and bend over at cars, since that seems to get attention?

Guy in yoga pants pranks creepers.

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

The men getting when called out says a lot.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Your writing is always powerful.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.