LJI Week 16: A terrible beauty has been born

[deza]

It's no secret that I paid my way through college as an exotic dancer.

That's me, back in the day. The picture is a crappy cellphone shot of a Glamour Shots photo from over 20 years ago. It's the only picture I still have from back then, courtesy of my former mother-in-law throwing away my photo albums during the divorce. Yes, I really did have the Distressed Poodle Perm. It was the early 90s; you had to be there.

Every day, I went to my classes. I socialized with my friends, played hands of Magic, rushed out papers, general college stuff. At work, though, I changed. I stopped being the shy, dorky, nerd gamer girl. Instead I became a smart, confidant sex goddess who bent men to her will. I teased and tantalized and manipulated men left and right. I danced under the name Faith. I told guys that the name Faith was because I was always faithful. It worked like a charm to open wallets.

I took a Women's Studies class while I was dancing. One of the girls went off on an "all sex workers are exploited" rant. I told her what I did for a living, and that if anyone was using people, it was me. That still holds true. In the club, I was the one in complete control of the interaction with a client. I was the one who walked away with an average of $400 each night, as well.

What I didn't say was that part of what I was doing on stage was reclaiming my sexuality. I am a rape survivor. The trauma of that had a pretty severe impact on me. I went in a depressive spiral, and more often than not I was at the bottom of a bottle trying to escape from my hatred of myself. When i started dancing, I was in a situation where I could be a sexual being in safety. The club had bouncers on staff whenever we were open. There was no chance of a customer forcing himself on me. the one time someone did try to touch me while I was on stage, the bouncer broke his fingers before escorting him out the door. I was escorted to my car every evening, and called in to let the club know I'd made it home safely. There are few places I've ever felt safer.

I miss the character I played when I went onto that stage. I miss her courage, her certainty that was beautiful, her strength and agility. I'm older now, maybe a little wiser. There are times when I'd still give anything to feel like Faith again.

LJ Idol

Comments

[peachette48.livejournal.com]

Wow. What a revelation. I applaud your honesty and your courage. You must have been one hot lady!!!

[deza.livejournal.com]

At the time, I thought I was fat. Now I see my daughter with the same build and think she's gorgeous.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

Inspiring and thought provoking

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[vortex.livejournal.com]

If I was in your club, you would have gotten a lot of money out of me :)

I frequented pretty much every strip club in Georgia between 1992-2004. I was single, made a lot of money, didn't save any and I was gullible for a pretty face and a dominant woman. There were times when I spent over $600 a night. One time for Mardi Gras, I spent over $2,400 in one night at one club....

[deza.livejournal.com]

I was working at Chelsea's in Athens from 91-93.

[vortex.livejournal.com]

Well, I didn't discover Athens until 1997, and then it was mostly for Junkman's Daugher's Brother, 40Watt club (Boytutaunt Ball) and Friend parties.

But we still could have run past each other back then as well :)...

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

I couldn't give you the exact statistic, but it's a fairly large percentage that represents sex industry workers who've been sexually abused or molested in their past in some form. I used to do phone sex for a living, and sometimes the girls I work with would go out to the strip clubs, where the workers all gathered around our table to hang out when they weren't dancing on slow nights when there wasn't enough meat in the seats to work the room. We used to joke to them, "We finish what you start." I do think it can be a kind of empowerment, and that if it doesn't become a way of life (as it did for my sister, who moved into porn), but helps you find yourself, then it can even be a launching pad for the life you want. Good for you.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I had a roommate who did phone sex for a while. It always seemed so much more personal than dancing.

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

I had that same perm in the early 90s. I've known a few other women who danced and they all said they felt safer in the club nearly naked than anywhere else.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I think all of us had that perm in the 90s. :)

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Go, you! I love how you used dancing to empower yourself!!

[deza.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[improper-me.livejournal.com]

The things we do to protect ourselves are never the ones you think would work.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Stripping is a problematic area for me as a woman, so hearing the POVs of Idol's various former-strippers has been really enlightening over these last couple of years.

What I didn't say was that part of what I was doing on stage was reclaiming my sexuality.
I never would have thought about that, but I can understand it completely. Just to get comfortable with feeling sexy and not anticipating being a target of aggression would be a huge accomplishment, and it sounds as if this really helped you.

I never had the perm in the 90s-- I had the actual hair. And still do. :( At least it was in fashion for awhile... Not that it necessarily looked good, but I had company!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Of course, my first thought is why is the former MIL able to touch any of your stuff during a divorce? That seems like grounds for a secondary lawsuit!

But certainly most people don't think much about the life of a dancer when away from the club. There was such a dancer in NYC who turned her life into a one woman show: Confessions of a Go-Go Girl I think is what it was called. It ran at a cabaret in the Times Square area, about the same time Faith was performing in GA.

I sense a memoir here.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

This was a lovely, thought provoking piece. Nicely done.

[mistearyusdiva2.livejournal.com]

This is such an honest post. You know what I still feel there is more of Faith in you than you realise. Maybe the power of her sexuality would have taken a dip .... but her beauty, her strength and her boldness still shines through in your writing ....

Well Done .... :)

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Good.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

oh this is nice. reclaiming yourself through dance, most definitely yes!