LJI Week 16: A terrible beauty has been born

[deza]

It's no secret that I paid my way through college as an exotic dancer.

That's me, back in the day. The picture is a crappy cellphone shot of a Glamour Shots photo from over 20 years ago. It's the only picture I still have from back then, courtesy of my former mother-in-law throwing away my photo albums during the divorce. Yes, I really did have the Distressed Poodle Perm. It was the early 90s; you had to be there.

Every day, I went to my classes. I socialized with my friends, played hands of Magic, rushed out papers, general college stuff. At work, though, I changed. I stopped being the shy, dorky, nerd gamer girl. Instead I became a smart, confidant sex goddess who bent men to her will. I teased and tantalized and manipulated men left and right. I danced under the name Faith. I told guys that the name Faith was because I was always faithful. It worked like a charm to open wallets.

I took a Women's Studies class while I was dancing. One of the girls went off on an "all sex workers are exploited" rant. I told her what I did for a living, and that if anyone was using people, it was me. That still holds true. In the club, I was the one in complete control of the interaction with a client. I was the one who walked away with an average of $400 each night, as well.

What I didn't say was that part of what I was doing on stage was reclaiming my sexuality. I am a rape survivor. The trauma of that had a pretty severe impact on me. I went in a depressive spiral, and more often than not I was at the bottom of a bottle trying to escape from my hatred of myself. When i started dancing, I was in a situation where I could be a sexual being in safety. The club had bouncers on staff whenever we were open. There was no chance of a customer forcing himself on me. the one time someone did try to touch me while I was on stage, the bouncer broke his fingers before escorting him out the door. I was escorted to my car every evening, and called in to let the club know I'd made it home safely. There are few places I've ever felt safer.

I miss the character I played when I went onto that stage. I miss her courage, her certainty that was beautiful, her strength and agility. I'm older now, maybe a little wiser. There are times when I'd still give anything to feel like Faith again.

LJ Idol

Comments

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

I couldn't give you the exact statistic, but it's a fairly large percentage that represents sex industry workers who've been sexually abused or molested in their past in some form. I used to do phone sex for a living, and sometimes the girls I work with would go out to the strip clubs, where the workers all gathered around our table to hang out when they weren't dancing on slow nights when there wasn't enough meat in the seats to work the room. We used to joke to them, "We finish what you start." I do think it can be a kind of empowerment, and that if it doesn't become a way of life (as it did for my sister, who moved into porn), but helps you find yourself, then it can even be a launching pad for the life you want. Good for you.

[deza.livejournal.com]

I had a roommate who did phone sex for a while. It always seemed so much more personal than dancing.